David Spade - DUI Checkpoint

David Spade: My Fake Problems 05/04/2014 Views: 13,481

Daytime commercials make David Spade think about changing his life. (2:27)

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DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE, FOLKS.

THAT'S THE BIG MESSAGE TONIGHT.

THERE'S A DUI LAWYER COMMERCIAL.

I DON'T WORK IN THE DAY.MY SHOW'S NOT ON.

HOME ALL DAY.

FIRST OF ALL, EVERY AD IS GEAREDTOWARD THE FACT

THAT YOU ARE LOSER AT HOMEIN SEARCH OF A CAREER.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

LIKE, EVERY AD IS,"ARE YOU AT HOME RIGHT NOW?"

"LAYING AROUND, HUNGOVER,

"WEED ON THE TABLE?

YOU WANT TO CHANGE ALL THAT?"

AND I THINK, "MAYBE I COULD GOTO DEVRY.

THEY SAY IT'S NOT TOO LATE."

THIS DUI LAWYER, LIKE,IT MUST BE SO RAMPANT.

THEY HAVE A COMMERCIAL.

IT'S GOT THE FAKE JAIL BARS.

[imitates cell door closing]

AND HE GOES, "I'M THE BESTGODDAMN DUI LAWYER OUT THERE.

YOU CALL MEBEFORE IT'S TOO LATE."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH--

"WAIT, I DON'T GET IT.

I CALL YOUBEFORE I GET A DUI?"

THAT'S LIKE, AN AWKWARD CALL.

"HEY, WHAT'S UP?

"IT'S NOON.

"I JUST--I'M GOING OUT LATER.

I DON'T EVEN DRINK, BUT IREALIZE I'M GOING TO JAIL."

THEY HAVE CHECKPOINTS.

CHECKPOINTS ARE BADWHEN YOU'RE DRUNK.

I MEAN, ONE TIME I DRANKAND DRIV--

DROVE AND DRANK.

ONE TIME.

AND IT WAS A MISTAKE,

BUT I WAS HORRIFIED

'CAUSE I WAS IN TRAFFICAT 3:00 A.M. ON SUNSET,

WHICH USUALLY DOESN'T HAPPEN.

SO I'M ALMOST HOME,LIKE, "AH, AH, AH!"

AND THEN IT'S TRAFFIC,

AND I'M ALWAYS SELFISHIN TRAFFIC.

I'M LIKE, "THERE BETTER BEAN ACCIDENT UP HERE."

"THERE BETTER BE A PILEOF DEAD BODIES.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?"

LIKE, THIS IS SLOW.

AND THE GROSS FEELINGWHEN YOU REALIZE

YOU'RE IN A DUI CHECKPOINT.

I GO, "WHAT ARE THE LIGHT--OH, [bleep]!

"IS THIS A DUI CHECKPOINT?

"NO, NO, NO!

"NO, I CAN'T BE HERE!

"HEY, I'M DRUNK!I'M THE LAST PER--

"BACK IT UP.BACK IT UP.

"I'M BOXED IN.GO, GO, GO.

"HEY, IF WE WORK TOGETHERAS A TEAM,

"WE CAN GET ME OUT OF HERETO SAFETY.

COME ON."

NO ONE'S HELPING ME.

AND THEN I DO THE U-TURN.

OOH. YOU KNOW WHAT?

A U-TURN IS A SIGNED CONFESSION,YOU KNOW?

NO COPS BELIEVEYOU'RE LIKE, "IT'S CHILLY.

MAYBE I'LL GET MY WINDBREAKER,"YOU KNOW.