Mike Yard - Shallow Friendships

Behrendt, Daniels, Yard, Joyce, Mac, Nystrom, Schaal Season 1, Ep 2 07/27/2006 Views: 11,253

Mike Yard envies the deep friendships women have with each other. (1:41)

I don't want you to thinkI'm a female-basher.

I actually envy women.

I envy your friendships'cause women havereal friendships.

I've noticed that, man.

You know? When women arefriends, it's real.

Guys, we have shallowfriendships.

We don't really...women know deep stuff

about their friends.

They talk, you know?Intimate stuff.

Guys, we don't really have that.

Our friendships are shallow.

Like, I... I got people I'vebeen friends with for 15 years.

I don't even knowtheir real name.

That's how bad it is.Y'all women, you got deep--

'cause you talk--that's why you always win

'cause you talk.

Your girlfriend call youup 3:00 in the morning,

and you don't give a ( bleep ).

That's your girland she needs you.

That's how they operate.

( applause )Oh, yeah.

You might be upset at first'cause your phone

is ringing at 3:00in the morning, you know.

You probably answerwith an attitude, "Hello?!"

But once you hear her,

( sobbing )

All of a sudden you're up.

( whispering ):"What happened?"

( louder ):"What happened, girl?"

( sobbing ):"Let me tell you what he did!"

And you're like,"You know what, girl?

( bleep ) him. Come over."

Yeah, you love to say that.


"Come over. We'll bake cookiesor whatever."

I don't knowwhatever the ( bleep ) you do.

I don't know what women dowhen they get upset.

I'm never there.

But guys,we don't have that, mm-mm.

Mm-mm, there's not a guy in here

that could call his boy upat 3:00 in the morning.

Hell, you can't call your boy up

at 3:00 in the afternoontalking 'bout

( sobbing )

'Cause right then and there

he's gonna be like,"Oh, oh, oh..."

"Oh, oh."

He'll be laughinghis ( bleep ) off.

And if anybody's around,he's gonna be like,

"Yo, dawg, you gotta hear this.

"I'm gonna put it on speaker.Mike is crying!"