Democalypse 2014 - The Last Perspiration of Crist

October 16, 2014 - Bryan Stevenson 10/16/2014 Views: 187,333

Florida's gubernatorial race heats up as Governor Rick Scott shows up late to a debate where Democratic candidate Charlie Crist is using a fan to strategically cool his balls. (8:58)

>> Jon; HEY WELCOME TO "THEDAILY SHOW,"

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, MAN, I COULD HAVE USED THIS GUY LAST NIGHT.

PROFESSOR BRYAN STEVENSON, AUTHOR OF "JUST MERCY:

A STORY OF JUSTICE ANDREDEMPTION."

VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT. BUTFIRST, I'M NOT GOING TO LIE

TO YOU PEOPLE. I CAN'T DO IT.THIS HAS BEEN A LOUSY COUPLE OF

WEEKS, YEARS, DECADES. [BLEEP]DECADE. ENDLESS WAR, CORPORATIST

SURVEILLANCE STATE THAT THRIVESON SECRECY AND THE TEARS OF

ORPHANS. AND NOW A ROVING HOARDOF ISLAMIST DECAPITATION

FETISHISTS WHO ARE RACING ANAFRICAN BLOOD POOP VIRUS TO SEE

WHICH CAN KILL US FIRST.SOMETIMES YOU WONDER, WHY GO ON?

WHAT'S THE POINT? I'LL TELL YOUWHAT THE POINT IS:

IF WE GIVE INTO DISPAIR THEYWIN.

WE MUST KEEP FIGHTING BECAUSE ASFRODO TAUGHT US, EVEN IF THE

WORLD IS HORSE [BLEEP], IF YOU DIG AROUND LONG ENOUGH THERE IS

A PONY IN THERE SOMEWHERE. WELL, IT TURNS OUT, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, I FOUND A PONY LAST NIGHT IN FLORIDA.

>> WE ARE LIVE FROM BROWARDCOLLEGE IN DAVIE, FLORIDA.

WE HAVE GOVERNOR CHARLIE CRIST,FLORIDA GOVERNOR RICK SCOTT.\,

OUR INCUMBENT GOVERNOR AND THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR

GOVERNOR IS ALSO IN THE BUILDING.

GOVERNOR RICK SCOTT? WE HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT GOVERNOR SCOTT

WILL NOT BE PARTICIPATING IN THIS DEBATE.

>> Jon: HE CAN'T NOT PARTICIPATE.

A DEBATE MUST HAVE AT LEAST TWO PARTIES TO BE CONSIDERED A

DEBATE OTHERWISE IT'S A MASTERBATE, IT'S JUST ONE.

PERHAPS GOVERNOR SCOTT IS JUSTLATE. MAYBE HE'S LATE.

PERHAPS THE HAIRLESSSERPENTINE INCUMBENT GOT

SIDETRACKED LOOKING FOR A SNACK.OH LOOK AT HIM THERE.

BUT IT WAS THE REASON FOR GOVERNOR SCOTT'S ABSENCE THAT

REMINDED ME WHY LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

>> GOVERNOR CRIST HAS ASKED TO HAVE A FAN, A SMALL FAN PLACED

UNDERNEATH HIS PODIUM. THE RULES OF THE DEBATE THAT I

WAS SHOWN BY THE SCOTT CAMPAIGN SAY THAT THERE SHOULD BE NO FAN.

SOMEHOW THERE IS A FAN THERE ANDFOR THAT REASON, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, I AM BEING TOLD THAT GOVERNOR SCOTT WILL NOT JOIN US

FOR THIS DEBATE.

>> Jon: GOVERNOR RICK SCOTT OFFLORIDA HAS REFUSED TO DEBATE

FORMER GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA CRISTBECAUSE FORMER GOVERNOR CRIST

HAS A FAN THAT APPEARS TO BE PROVIDING A SMALL AMOUNT OF

RESPITE FOR HIS PRESUMABLY SWEATY BALLS.

THANK YOU, JESUS! LOOK, WE ALL KNOW WHAT'S

HAPPENING HERE. IT'S FLORIDA.

THERE'S A HUMID ENVIRONMENT IN FLORIDA.

CRIST'S BOYS GOT SWEATY SO THE FORMER GOVERNOR POPS DOWN AND

PICKS UP A FAN AT WHAT DOYOU CALL IT THERE,

BED, BALLS ANDBEYOND. WHAT'S THE ISSUE?

>> THE FIRST QUESTION I WANTTO ASK YOU, GOVERNOR CRIST,

IS WHY DID YOU INSIST ONBRINGING A FAN HERE?

>> WHY NOT? YOU KNOW, IT'S UH,

IS THERE ANYTHINGWRONG WITH BEING COMFORTABLE?

>> Jon: NOW THAT IS HOW YOU WINVOTES IN FLORIDA. RIGHT NOW A

MILLION ALTACOCKERS IN FLORIDAARE TURNING TO THEIR FRIENDS

GOING, I MEAN HE'S GOT A POINT, YOU KNOW, YOU STAND ALL NIGHT IN

THE LIGHTS, I MEAN HE SHOULD BE COMFORTABLE, UH?

OF COURSE, THOSE OF YOU WHO FOLLOW FLORIDA POLITICS OR HAVE

A GOOGLE ALERT SET FOR FLORIDA BALL FAN CONTROVERSIES, WERE

WERE HARDLY SURPRISED BY THESCANDAL.

>> THIS HAPPENED BACK IN 2006 ASWELL WHEN CRIST WAS RUNNING FOR

THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION FOR GOVERNOR.

THERE WAS A DISPUTE OVER A FAN THEN, TOO.

THEY ENDED UP SHARING THE FAN.

>> Jon: OH! SADLY THOSE DAYS OF BIPARTISAN

ACCOMMODATION ARE LONG GONE. AND WHILE WE WERE ONCE A NATION

OF BALL FAN SHARERS, IN TODAY'S DIVIDED POLITICS, WE WOULD

RATHER STEW IN OUR OWN TESTICULAR MOISTURE THAN REACH

ACROSS THE AISLE TO BRING A FRESH WIND OF COMPROMISE.

AS ABRAHAM LINCOLN HIMSELF ONCESAID, A SCROTUM DIVIDED AGAINST

ITSELF CANNOT STAND FOR IT ISREALLY NOT A WEIGHT-BEARING,

JUST REALLY JUST FLOPS.[LAUGHTER]

IT'S HARD TO IMAGINETHIS IS OUR COUNTRY.

OF COURSE, ALL WONDERFUL THINGS

MUST COME TO AN END. EVENTUALLY RICK SCOTT DID

APPEAR, ALLOWING FLORIDIANS TO DISCUSS THE ISSUES THEY CARE

ABOUT MOST.

>> LET'S FIND OUT WHAT THE VOTERS ARE SAYING THROUGH SOCIAL

MEDIA. LET'S GO THE MANNIE GARCIA OF

THE NAPLES DAILY NEWS. AND MANNIE, WHAT'S TRENDING ON

SOCIAL MEDIA RIGHT NOW? >> WELL, THE FAN.

>> Jon: IN FACT CHARLIE CRIST'SBALL TWITTER FEED HAS BEEN

BLOWING UP. GUYS, THE FAN ISN'T SUPPOSED TO

HAVE FANS, SIDEWAYS WINKEYFACE, #GRUNDLE BRAG.

GRUNDLE BRAG? MY DAY WE CALLEDTHAT A TAINT.

YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY,I'M SORRY.

HONESTLY, WE COULD HAVE DELVED IN TO ALL THE TERRIBLE ACTUAL

ANSWERS RICK SCOTT GAVE IN THE DEBATE ABOUT HIS HORRIFYING

POLICIES FROM FLORIDA. BUT THAT IS NOT NEARLY AS FUN AS

HIM MISSING FOUR MINUTES OF A DEBATE BECAUSE HIS OPPONENT HAD

A FAN POINTED AT HIS BALLS. FOR MORE ON THIS STORY WE GO TO

SAMANTHA BEE IN FLORIDA. SAM, THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

SAM, CAN YOU TELL US WHY RICKSCOTT REACTED SO STRONGLY TO

CHARLIE CRIST'S EFFORTS TO COOLDOWN CHIP AND DALE, FOR LACK OF

A BETTER -->> JON, YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS

MINE. FLORIDA POLITICS HAS A LONG

TRADITION OF AN ELECTORAL BALL-COOLERY.

FROM THE INAUGURATION OF ANDREW JACKSON AS THE STATE'S FIRST

GOVERNOR, TO THE 2000 PRESIDENTIAL RACE WHEN HUNDREDS

OF BROWARD COUNTY BALLOTS WERE RENDERED INDECIPHERABLE DUE TO

COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF BALL SWEAT.

>> Jon: REMIND ME AGAIN WHY VOTERS IN FLORIDA IN THAT

ELECTION INSISTED ON WIPINGTHEIR BALLOTS ON THEIR BALLS?

>> WELL, I'M SURE YOU REMEMBERTHE BALLOTS WERE VERY POORLY

DESIGNED AND ALL THOSE OLD PEOPLE GOT CONFUSED.

THEY INTENDED TO VOTE FOR AL GORE AND INSTEAD THEY

ACCIDENTALLY STUCK THE BALLOTS DOWN THEIR PANTS.

>> Jon: I REMEMBER THAT.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: IS THIS A STATEWIDE ISSUE, SAM?

>> WELL, NOT THE WHOLE STATE. THIS AREA HERE IN THE SOUTH.

>> Jon: RIGHT.

>> THIS AREA IS GENERALLY MORE ARID.

>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

>> THE PROBLEM REALLY COMES WHENYOU'RE DOWN HERE WHEN YOU

REACH UP IN THIS AREA. ITJUST GETS EXTREMELY DAMP AND

SWAMPY AND JUST, JUST GROSS.

>> Jon: WHAT IF, WHAT IF, TOCLARIFY THAT, WHAT ABOUT

CLEARING OUT SOME OF THE SWAMPLAND IN THAT AREA? WOULD THAT

HELP? >> OH, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

DEFORESTATION?>> Jon: DEFORESTATION.

>> YEAH, YEAH. IT WOULD, ITWOULD HELP COOL IT DOWN,

BUT ULTIMATELY THERE'S THE UPKEEP AND THEN ONCE THAT

FOLIAGE BEGINS TO GROW BACK, IT'S ALSO SOMEHOW EVEN GROSSER.

>> Jon: I GET IT. I GET IT.

>> YEAH. THE POINT IS, DON'TSHAVE YOUR BALLS, JON.

>> Jon: NO, I UNDERSTAND. SAM, WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

>> OH WELL, JON, RIGHT NOW I'MAT FLORIDA'S SCROTOGEN LABS

WHERE THEY ARE WORKINGNIGHT AND DAY TO COMBAT

FLORIDIAN BALL SWEAT.

>> Jon: AND HOW IS THE RESEARCH COMING, SAM?

>> WELL LET ME SHOW YOU AN EARLY PROTOTYPE.

>> Jon: IS THAT -- SAM, IS THATAN OPEN FAN ON THE INSIDE OF THE

UNDERWEAR? BECAUSETHAT SEEMS LIKE ANY COOLING

BENEFIT WOULD BE UNDERCUT BY OBVIOUSLY THE MANGLING.

>> YEAH, WELL, AFTER YEARS OF TRIALS, THEY HAVE COME TO THAT

SAME CONCLUSION.>> Jon: SURE.

>> SO I GIVE YOU THETESTI-COOL 5000.

>> Jon: IT SEEMS COMPLICATED FOR UNDERWEAR.

>> YEAH, YOU GET USED TO IT. YOUGET USED TO IT.

>> Jon: THEY DON'T SEEMPARTICULARLY EFFECTIVE IN TERMS

OF COOLING IN ADEBATE ENVIRONMENT.

>> WELL, THERE IS ONE OTHER OPTION IN DEVELOPMENT.

IT'S A VERTICAL VENTILATION OPENPORT APERTURE.

IT OF COURSE is MANUALLY OPERATED.

>> Jon: SO BASICALLY YOUR ADVICE WOULD BE KEEP YOUR FLY

OPEN.

>> WELL, I GUESS FOR THE LAYMAN,OKAY.

>> Jon: WELL, THANKS SO MUCH,SAM, GOOD LUCK DOWN THERE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Jon: SAMANTHA BEE, EVERYBODY.WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.