Patton Oswalt - Fitness Goals

Patton Oswalt: Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time Season 1, Ep 101 04/06/2014 Views: 11,731

For Patton Oswalt, being fit is less about looking good and more about not disrupting his daughter's high school graduation. (2:06)

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MY FITNESS GOALS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE --

I WOULD LIKE TO STOPLOOKING LIKE

I'M WEARING A BULLETPROOF VESTALL THE TIME.

THAT'D BE NICE.

WOULDN'T THAT BEA NICE LITTLE CHANGE,

NOT TO HAVETHE BULLETPROOF VEST? YEAH.

AND THEN, I ALSO --

I WOULD LIKE TO NOT BEIN A RASCAL SCOOTER

AT MY DAUGHTER'SHIGH-SCHOOL GRADUATION.

THAT'S MY OTHER --

I DON'T WANT TO BE CUT.I DON'T WANT TO BE MUSCULAR.

I DON'T WANT TO BE TRIM.

I WANT TO BE STANDINGON MY ORIGINAL KNEECAPS.

NO METAL, NO PLASTIC,ORIGINAL PATELLA.

NOT SITTING IN MY LITTLE SCOOTER

THAT THEY PARKED UNDER THE TREEIN THE SHADE

BECAUSE POP-POP GETS HOT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M WAVING THE TOWELI BROUGHT FROM THE HOTEL.

DADDY'S PROUD, SWEETIE.

[ GASPS ]

DADDY'S PROUD.

WHEW!

I DON'T KNOW WHYTHEY DON'T DO THIS IN THE FALL.

IT'S SO...

GOT TO DO IT IN MAY.IT'S SO HOT.

IT'S CRAZY, ISN'T IT?

I'M GONNA GO GETIN THE ACCESS VAN

AND CRANK THE A/CFOR A LITTLE BIT,

SWAB MY FOLDS.

[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]

YEAH. "SWAB MY FOLDS"ALWAYS GETS THAT.

[ GROANS ]

REALLY?

THREE PERFECTLY NICE WORDS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THAT'S THE TITLE

FOR YOUR MORBIDLY OBESEPORN FILMS RIGHT THERE.

THAT SERIES -- "SWAB MY FOLDS."

YEAH.

YEAH, YOU GUYS SEE "SWAB MYFOLDS" ONE THROUGH NINE?

IT DOESN'T GET GOODTILL NUMBER THREE.

THREE THROUGH SEVEN ARE GREAT.

THE GIRL FROM ONE --

REMEMBER, SHE GOT THE LAP BANDAND IT DIDN'T TAKE,

AND SHE COMES BACKFOR NUMBER FIVE?

IT'S SO VICTORIOUS --LIKE, BOOM!

JUST ROARING BACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]