T.J. Miller - Awful Travel Story & Showboating

  • Season 1 , Ep 2
  • 10/16/2012
  • Views: 9,167

T.J. Miller recounts a terrible flying experience and praises showboaters. (3:14)

OKAY.

FAIR ENOUGH.

WELCOME TO COMEDY CENTRAL'S MASH UP.

I AM YOUR HOST,T.J. MILLER.

- [robotic voice]NEW PLAYER.

[pinging]

- GUYS, RECENTLYI FLEW IN BETWEEN

THE TWO WORST PEOPLEIN THE WORLD.

I WAS IN THE MIDDLE SEAT.

COINCIDENTALLY,THEY WERE FATHER AND DAUGHTER.

THE DAUGHTER SOUNDED VAGUELYLIKE THIS:

"DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY,DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY.

DADDY, I NEED MY LAPTOP CASE."SHE WAS LIKE 25, BY THE WAY.

AND THEN THE FATHER--YOU EVER SEEN A FATHER

WHOSE FAMILY IS SO AWFUL

THAT HE'S GIVEN UP ON TALKING

AND HE'S JUST GRUMBLING?

ALL OF HIS RESPONSESARE GRUMBLES.

SHE GOES, "DADDY, I NEEDMY LAPTOP CASE ALSO!"

AND I SWEAR TO GOD,HIS RESPONSE WAS,

[gibberish in rough voice]

HE DID SPEAK CLEARLY ONCE,THOUGH.

THAT'S WHEN I ASKEDIF HE WANTED TO SWITCH SEATS.

HE SAID, "NO!NO."

THAT WASN'T THE WORST PART.

THE WORST PART WAS--AND THIS IS A TRUE STORY--

AS WE WERE TAKING OFF, OKAY,

HE SLOWLY REACHED ACROSS,

AND SHE ALSO REACHEDACROSS ME,

AND THEN THEY CLASPED HANDSOVER ME

AND HE STARTEDCOUNTING DOWN FROM TEN,

AND SHE STARTED NAMINGALL THE PEOPLE IN HER LIFE

THAT SHE LOVED.

"LOVE YOU, MOMMY.LOVE YOU, DADDY.

LOVE YOU, UNCLE BRICK.LOVE YOU, JEREMY."

WHICH--I DON'T KNOW WHO HE WAS,

BUT GOOD FOR HIM--HE MADE THE LIST.

THAT'S NOT OKAY, RIGHT?YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU CAN'T CLASP HANDS

INCHES FROM A MAN'S PENIS,RIGHT?

I MEAN, IT WAS CLOSE.

I COULD FEEL THE HEATFROM THEIR HANDS.

I WAS WEARING PANTSOF A VERY SHEER FABRIC!

SO, UH...

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING,'CAUSE I'M KIND OF A COWARD

IN REAL LIFE.

BUT I THOUGHT OF DOINGTWO THINGS.

TELL MEWHAT YOU LIKE BETTER.

FIRST ONE IS OBVIOUSLYJUST PUSH UPWARDS...

[audience whooping]

INTO THEIR HANDS,AND THEN WHEN THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"I JUST SAY,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TRYING TO GET METO CALL YOU DADDY?"

OR THE OTHER ONEIS WHAT COULD THEY DO--

WHAT WOULD THEY DOIF I JUST SLOWLY

PUT MY HAND OVER THEIRS

AND THEN I JUST WHISPERUNDER MY BREATH,

"YOU MINDIF I GET IN ON THIS?

"DEAREST PRINCE OF DARKNESS,LORD SATAN...

"EXTINGUISHTHE NONBELIEVERS ON THIS PLANE.

"GLADLY TAKE MY LIFEIN THE PROCESS.

"ALWAYS REMEMBER, SATAN,YOU ARE

MY DADDY, DADDY, DADDY,DADDY, DADDY."

[cheers and applause]

I THINK SHOWBOATSGET A BAD RAP, DON'T YOU THINK?

SOMEBODY MAKES A TOUCHDOWNAND THEY DANCE

OR THEY DO A SLAM DUNK AND KINDOF WIGGLE THEMSELVES AROUND.

THE ANNOUNCERS'LL GO,

"HA. LOOK AT HIM OUT THERE.A REAL SHOWBOAT!

JUST SHOWBOATING IT UP."

BUT THE OPPOSITEIS NEVER TRUE.

YOU NEVER SEE SOMEONETASTEFULLY MAKE A LAY-UP,

AND THE ANNOUNCER SAYS,"WELL, GOOD FOR HIM,

"ACTING LIKE A REGULAR BOAT.

"JUST A PONTOONOR A CATAMARAN.

A REAL HUMBLE CANOE."

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