Chad Daniels - Old People

  • Season 12 , Ep 18
  • 01/11/2008
  • Views: 12,927

Old people don't do anything except use all our resources. (2:33)

I THINK WE SHOULD BE ABLETO KILL OLD PEOPLE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THERE WE ARE.

I SEE SOME OF YOUDON'T LIKE THAT IDEA.

THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING...

EXCEPT USE ALL OUR RESOURCES.

SOCIAL SECURITY'S BASED ONA 75-YEAR-OLD LIFE EXPECTANCY,

BUT BECAUSE OF MODERN MEDICINE,PEOPLE ARE LIVING TO BE 105.

THAT'S 30 YEARSOF SPENDING OUR MONEY.

DIE, BITCH.ANYBODY WITH ME YET?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SOME OF YOU GUYSSTILL NOT CONVINCED.

GLOBAL WARMING --A HUGE ISSUE. WHY?

OLD PEOPLEKEEP BREATHING OUR AIR.

AND THEY'RE COCKY ABOUT IT.

YOU EVER SEEN AN OLD PERSONOUTSIDE BREATHING OUR AIR?

WHAT'S RIGHT BEHIND THEM?THEIR OWN GODDAMN TANK OF AIR!

THEY'RE HOARDING OUR STUFF,RIGHT?

HEY, GREAT-GRANDMA,YOU WANT TO HOARD SOMETHING,

HOW ABOUT PERFUME BEFORE YOU GOTO CHURCH ON SUNDAY?

HAVE YOU EVER SAT NEXT TOA REALLY OLD LADY AT CHURCH?

YOU CAN'T EVEN PRAY.

YOUR EYES ARE TWITCHY'CAUSE SHE'S TART FOR JESUS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHEN YOU'RE 100, HOW COMEYOU'RE WEARING PERFUME?

ISN'T YOUR VAGINA BROKEN?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

I DON'T KNOW.I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

NOW I'M GOING TO GO TO HELL

BECAUSE I'M HAVINGHORRIBLE THOUGHTS

ABOUT THIS OLD LADY IN CHURCH,

AND THAT'S A DOUBLE-WHAMMYBECAUSE THERE'S FIRE IN HELL,

AND NOW I'M FLAMMABLE BECAUSEI HAVE PERFUME DUST ALL OVER ME.

I'M NOT SAYING, "HIT THEMON THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER,"

"SHOOT THEM IN THE FACE,"YOU GUYS.

I'M NOT A MONSTER.

I'M SAYING GET CREATIVE.HAVE FUN.

IF THEY'RE EVER TAKING TOO LONGTO CROSS THE STREET,

SNEAK UP BEHIND THEMAND GIVE THEM A "BRM-BRRRM!"

THEY'RE GONNA CRAP THEIR PANTSOR DIE.

EITHER WAY, THAT IS AWESOME.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND IF THEY DIE, YOU GET TO KEEPTHEIR TANK OF AIR LIKE A TROPHY.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT'S UP?LOOK WHAT I GOT.

I DON'T WANT TO BRAG,BUT THAT'S A TWO-HONKER."

I KNOW THERE HAS TO BE RULESFOR SUCH A RIDICULOUS SITUATION.

LET'S SAY, FOR THIS STORY,LIFE EXPECTANCY'S 85

AND YOU KILL AN 84-YEAR-OLD,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SPENDTHAT ONE YEAR IN PRISON.

YOU PICKED HER TOO EARLY.SHE WASN'T RIPE.

HOWEVER, COMMA,IF LIFE EXPECTANCY'S 85

AND YOU KILL A 90-YEAR-OLD,

NOW WE'RE TALKINGABOUT FIVE YEARS CREDIT.

AND YOU GET TICKETS LIKECHUCK E. CHEESE SKEE-BALL.

AND YOU HOLD ON TO THOSE TICKETS'CAUSE THEY NEVER EXPIRE.

AND THEN ONE DAY DOWN THE ROAD,YOU SAY,

"SON, COULD YOU GO MOWTHE LAWN?"

AND HE TURNS TO YOU WITHALL HIS CRABBY TEENAGE ANGST

AND SAYS, "KISS MY ASS, DAD!"

OH, NO, 'CAUSE STAB,TICKETS, YOU'RE EVEN.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, I AGREE.

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