Bret Ernst - America at the Club

  • Season 14 , Ep 17
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 67,713

If the world is a nightclub, America is the guy who can walk right in without waiting in line. (3:31)

YOU KNOW, WE'RE YOUNG,WE'RE RICH, WE'RE GOOD-LOOKING.

I'D HATE US, TOO.

NO, 'CAUSE WE'RE THE GUYTHAT CAN JUST WALK IN THE BAR.

JUST SAY THE WORLD'SA NIGHTCLUB, ALL RIGHT?

AMERICA'S THAT GUYTHAT CAN JUST WALK RIGHT UP

AND WALK RIGHT IN THE CLUB.

MEANWHILE, ALL THE THIRD WORLDNATIONS ARE IN LINE,

WAITING TO GET IN, GOING,

[ Middle Eastern accent ]"BUDDY, MY FRIEND..."

"BUDDY, WE'VE BEEN HEREFOR 3,000 YEARS.

MY FRIEND,CAN WE GET IN THE CLUB?"

[ Normal voice ]BUT AMERICA GETS RIGHT IN.

YOU KNOW WHY? OUR BEST FRIEND'SWORKING THE DOOR. IT'S ISRAEL.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

HEY.

WHO SPOTS TROUBLEBETTER THAN THOSE GUYS?

IT'S NEPOTISM.WE DIDN'T CREATE IT.

WE'LL WALK UP -- ISRAEL'S LIKE,

[ Israeli accent ]"HEY, AMERICA! WHO'S WITH YOU?"

[ Normal voice ] WE'RE LIKE,"ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.

"UH, ENGLAND'S WITH USAUSTRALIA'S WITH US.

WHAT ABOUT FRANCE?"

FRANCE IS LIKE,

[ French accent ] "OHH.BUT ARE WE NOT YOUR FRIENDS?

"UH-HUH, OUI, OUI.

"DID WE NOT GIVE YOU THE STATUE?

UH-HUH, POOH-POOH."

[ Normal voice ]YOU KNOW WHAT, FRANCE? YOU DID.YOU CAN COME WITH US.

[ French accent ]"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"ONCE AGAIN,WE HAVE FOOLED THE AMERICANS."

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

"THEY THINKTHEY'RE SUCH HOT [BLEEP]

WITH THEIR SHOWER-INGAND SHAV-ING."

[ Normal voice ]BUT WE GET RIGHT IN,BUT WE GOT TO TIP ISRAEL.

"HEY, ISRAEL, THIS IS FOR YOU.GET YOURSELF SOME WEAPONS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, NOW YOU GO IN THE CLUB,

AND YOU KNOWTHERE'S A PARTY GOING ON.

IRELAND AND SCOTLANDARE BARTENDING.

THEY'RE DOING THIS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

EVERYBODY'S HAVING A GOOD TIME,

BUT THERE'S SOME OTHER COUNTRIESFEELING A LITTLE FROGGY.

LIKE, NORTH KOREA'SAT THE END OF THE BAR,

DOING SHOTSWITH IRAN, CHINA, AND RUSSIA,

LOOKING AT US, GOING,"I THINK WE COULD TAKE 'EM."

[ LAUGHTER ]

JAPAN AND GERMANY ARE LIKE,

"I WOULDN'T DO THATIF I WERE YOU, DUDE.

"YOU MIGHT WANT TO ORDERA COFFEE AND A RED BULL

AND SOBER UP, ALL RIGHT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YEAH, I KNOWTHEY'RE LAZY AND STUPID,

BUT THEY'RE ALSOBORED AND NUTS."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO NOW SOME TERRORISTSSHOW UP, RIGHT?

NOW, WE DON'T KNOW WHY,

BUT LET'S BE HONEST --WE'RE YOUNG, OKAY?

WE'VE BEEN KNOWN TO GET DRUNK,START SOME [BLEEP]

AND FORGET, THE NEXT DAY,CONVENIENTLY.

WHEN WE GOT BEEF,WE'RE LIKE, "OH, WE GOT BEEF.

WHO'S GOT OUR BACK?"

CANADA POPS OUT.

[ Canadian accent ]"WHAT'S GOING ON, EH?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]"UH...NO, NOT YOU, CANADA.

"DOES MOM EVEN KNOW YOU'RE OUT?

GO HOME, ALL RIGHT?YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT YOU KNOW WHO GETS OUR BACK,BELIEVE IT OR NOT?

MEXICO.

[ Mexican accent ] 'CAUSETHEY'RE DOWN FOR WHATEVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY'RE LIKE,"I'LL SHANK A BITCH!"

THIS IS FOR LITTLE PUPPET!"

[ IMITATING KNIFE PLUNGING ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ Normal voice ]LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, MEXICO,YOU READY TO ROLL?"

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT!

"AUSTRALIA, YOU READY TO ROLL?"

[ Australian accent ]"YOU GOT IT, MATE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] "ALL RIGHT.ENGLAND, YOU READY TO ROLL?"

[ Australian accent ]"YOU GOT IT, MATE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] THEY SOUNDTHE SAME TO ME, ALL RIGHT?

I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"FRANCE, YOU READY TO ROLL?"

"F-FRANCE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHERE THE HELL DID FRANCE GO?!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT?! THEY..."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"WHAT?! THEY RAN UP A TAB?WHO'S GONNA PAY FOR IT?"

ITALY JUMPS OUT.

[ New York accent ]"DON'T WORRY! I GOT IT!"

[ IMITATES MONEY SHUFFLING ]

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