Craig Shoemaker - No Dad

  • Season 9 , Ep 19
  • 06/16/2005
  • Views: 8,682

Craig's mother taught him everything he knows. (3:08)

I DIDN'T HAVE A DAD GROWING UP,

MY DAD LEFT WHEN I WAS BORN.

I STILL HAVE ABANDONMENT ISSUES

FROM THAT.

I CAN'T TAKE IT WHEN A WAITER

LEAVES MY TABLE.

"WHERE YA GOING?"

"I'M GETTING YOUR FOOD, SIR."

"OH, SURE YOU ARE.

HE'S NOT COMING BACK."

PROUD OF MY MOM, MY MOM RAISED

US ALL BY HER SELF.

SHE HAD IT TOUGH, SHE HAD

TO PLAY BOTH ROLES YA KNOW.

"WAIT 'TIL YOUR FATHER GETS

HOME."

[LOWERED VOICE] "I'M HERE."

[LAUGHTER]

NO IDEA WHO WAS GOING TO

GREET ME EVERY DAY.

"WASH THE DISHES."

"PULL MY FINGER."

[LAUGHTER]

GREW UP WITH ALL FEMALES

IN THE HOUSE, ALL GIRLS.

MY FIRST SHAVE WAS WITH AN

EPILADY.

IT HURT LIKE HELL.

MY MOM DID EVERYTHING A DAD

WOULD.

SHE TAUGHT ME HOW TO PLAY BALL.

SHE WASN'T VERY GOOD.

I ENDED UP THROWING LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS 19 UNTIL I FIGURED OUT,

I'M RIGHT-HANDED.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY MOTHER GAVE ME MY DRIVING

INSTRUCTIONS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M NOT SUCH A GREAT DRIVER

BUT I CAN CHANGE ALL MY CLOTHES

AT A STOPLIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT AFRAID TO CRY TO GET OUT

OF A TRAFFIC TICKET.

THAT'S RIGHT.

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT PROUD.

THAT COP PULLS ME OVER,

"PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME A TICKET.

I'M HAVING A BAD WEEK,

I'M BLOATED."

[LAUGHTER]

MY GRANDMOTHER LIVED WITH US

GROWING UP.

MY GRANDMOTHER SMOKES AND

GROWS POT.

YEAH, YOUR GROWN AND YOU HAVEN'T

LIVED TO SEEN YOUR OLD GRANNY

HOEING WEED IN THE BACKYARD.

"HAH.

WE GOT A BUMPER CROP OVER HERE.

I'M TELLING YOU, THIS [BLEEP]

WILL [BLEEP] YOU UP!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M AS HIGH AS FIVE PEOPLE

RIGHT NOW.

GOOD TO SEE ALL MY

GRANDCHILDREN."

"NO, IT'S JUST ME, NANA."

"I'M WASTED."

AND I QUIT SMOKING POT

A LONG TIME AGO.

IT'S WEIRD WHEN YOU QUIT BEFORE

YOUR GRANDMOTHER DOES.

VISIT HER, SHE GIVES ME

PEER PRESSURE.

"COME ON, LIGHTEN UP, WILL YA?

HAVE A JOINT WITH YOUR

GRANDMOTHER.

WHAT A WUSSY.

COME HERE, LET ME GIVE YOU A

SHOTGUN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'D HAVE THESE BIG GRANNY LIPS

COMING AT ME.

AND SHE COULD WHISPER IN HER

OWN EAR.

[LAUGHTER]

"LET ME WRING THAT OUT FOR YOU,

NANA."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I ALWAYS WONDER MY LEGACY'S

GONNA BE YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN,

MY ETHNIC BACKGROUND.

I WAS BROUGHT UP WITH THREE

DIFFERENT RELIGIONS, CATHOLIC,

PROTESTANT, JEWISH.

IT'S CONFUSING.

EVERY HOLIDAY I'M LIKE,

"PASS, THE HAM.

WHOOPS, WRONG DAY."

[LAUGHTER]

ETHNICALLY, WE GOT GERMAN,

IRISH, NATIVE AMERICAN INDIAN.

NO DRINKIN' IN MY FAMILY!

[LAUGHTER]

I CAME RIGHT OUT OF THE WOMB,

"WHOOOOOO!"

YEAH, THEY CUT THE CORD

THEY FOUND AN OLIVE.

MY FIRST BREATH WAS A .23.

[LAUGHTER]

MY UNCLE STEVE HE USED TO BE

AN INFLUENCE, HE USED TO SAY,

"LOOK, I'D RATHER BE A

GOOD LIVER THAN HAVE ONE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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