Uncensored - Kristen Schaal - Lonely Fire

Kristen Schaal: Live at the Fillmore Season 1, Ep 1 04/01/2013 Views: 2,774

Kristen Schaal presents a play that she wrote in her kitchen. (3:00)

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- This is gonna come as a real shocker

but I haven't had very many opportunities to please a man,

and I've spent several nights

with more than one tear splashing across my vibrator.

(audience laughing)

But I've had to suck it up an I'm like,

you know what Kristen, you're an artist, so make some art.

So here's a play that I wrote in my kitchen.

(audience cheering)

Thank you, this is called "Lonely Fire",

and it may, or may not,be autobiographical.

- [Spoon] I don't know, Pot, I've just been thinking

I am so happy that we're together.

I just wake up and I'm like "Oh no, another day!"

and then I remember "Oh,but you're with pot!

You can live! Yay!"

I'm just so happy we're together, I just really love you.

Uh oh, I said it! I said it out loud!

I guess it's out there.

(laughing nervously)

- [Pot] Yeah, why don't youstop telling and start showing.

- [Spoon] Oh, okay, is this what you mean?

You want some of this?

- [Pot] No, counter-clockwise.

- [Spoon] Oh, I'm sorry, of course.

There, so good.

- [Pot] Yeaaahhhhhh.

(grunting and groaning)

- [Spoon] Ding-Dong! What is that?

- [Pot] It's the door,why don't you answer it.

- [Spoon] Right, more action.

Hello, hello?

- [Lid] Hey, what's up, Pot? I'm back!

- [Pot] Oh my god, Lid! Where did you go?

- [Lid] I don't know, I guess I was scared of who I was,

but really I was supposed to be with you all along.

- [Pot] Oh my god, Lid,you are such an asshole.

- [Lid] Whatever, I betyou missed this asshole.

- [Pot] Like nobody's business,get over here asshole.

- [Lid] Oh yeah, is this what you want?

- [Pot] Oh my god!

(yelling enthusiastically)

It's like we're from the same factory!

Oh my god! Oh!

Where did you learn that?

- [Lid] Shut up, I can't think!

- [Pot] Don't think, just go! Oooooh!

(pot and lid clanging rapidly)


- [Spoon] Um, I'm gonna go.

Goodbye, world, hello sweet release.


The end.

(audience applauding)