Rory Scovel - Fake Ass

Rory Scovel Season 1, Ep 1 05/11/2012 Views: 19,277

After finding a fake ass in a sex shop, Rory Scovel imagines the excuses he would give his girlfriend if she caught him using it. (4:40)

You guys ever beento a sex shop?

Let me rephrase that,

make it more comfortablefor everybody.

Who here hasn't beento a sex shop?

Oh, that's what I thought!

Where were youon the first question?

Just filling out halfthe application tonight?

Don't put our address.Don't put our address.

See what they say.

We all know the dealon the sex shop. We get it.

It's awkward.

No one will look at each other.

Everybody's just eyes down,you try to stand close

to whatever it isyou're looking at.

What is that?

What the hell is that?

You feel like your deadrelatives are shopping with you.

It's awkward, it's awkward.

We know what's in there, though.

You guys get it: costumes,toys, lubrications...


I was standing in a sex shop,

I was looking at the toys,

just looking at the fake ass.

You know what I'm talking about?

You know, and even if you don'tknow what I'm talking about,

you kind of know exactlywhat I'm talking about.

You know what I'm talking about.

It's just an ass.Just a vagina and an anus.

That's all it is.We know the deal.

Stared at it for five minutes,

sizing it up.

At the end of five minutes,I was, like, "You know what?

"Yes, I would have sexwith that.

Yes, I would. I would."

No one's ever gonna knowif I did or not?

Then yes, of course.I was gonna masturbate anyways.

Let's get some music in there,you know what I mean?

Hey, you going downto the field?

Why don't you take the equipmentwith you?

Have the closest thing you canget to a sex scrimmage.

Guys, don't know whenthey're gonna masturbate.

We don't know whenwe're gonna do it.

It just happens.You'll be home, no one's there.

"Hey, is anybody here?

"Ah, okay. Meh. Mah.

All right."

All guys do that beforethey decide

they're gonna masturbate?

Mah, meh, meh, meh, mah!Now I have to, now I have to.

Can't do this for my whole life.


Oh, I got to jerk off!

That's how it is. We don't knowwhen we're gonna do it.

We just do it.

You buy that fake ass,

you got to start puttinga schedule together.

Like, you got to know whatTuesday looks like on Sunday,

you know what I mean?

"Hey, what time are you gonnabe home from work again?

"For sure?

"For sure, 4:30? For sure?

It doesn't matterwhy I'm asking!"

You got to factor in how longit's gonna take

to climb into the atticwhere you've hidden it...

behind the early Christmaspurchases.

Oh, there you are. Come on.

I'm ready with excuses.

Like, if somebody walks in--

not somebody-- my girlfriend.

Not just somebody.

If just somebody walked in,that's on me.

You know what I mean?That's on me.

If just somebody walked in,

I made bad choiceswell before this moment

if just somebody walked in.

I deserve it. I deserve that.

Just anybody?

Oh, hey, sorry. Oh.

Girlfriend.If my girlfriend walks in,

I'm ready to go.

"Oh, my God,what are you doing?!

"I don't know, practicing?

"I love you, okay?Turns out I love you.

"I want to be better at thisfor you, okay?

"I'm tired of being the only onethat gets off, you know?

"I hate that.

"And you know what?You could help out, too, okay?

"You could get ridof your legs

"and you could cut offthat torso

"because this,I could work with, okay?

"I can play the angles in there!I'm good in there!

"And I know someonewho doesn't cry

when I try to put itin the B-U-T-T! Okay?"