LAST YEAR I WAS INVITEDTO AUSTRALIA
TO PARTICIPATEIN A COMEDY FESTIVAL.
AND WHEN I WAS THERE,I CHECKED IN TO MY HOTEL ROOM,
AND AS THEY DOAT THESE FESTIVALS,
THERE WAS A GIFT BAGOF TCHOTCHKES
FROM AROUND AUSTRALIAAND OF COURSE IN THE GIFT BAG
WAS A STUFFED KOALAAND A BOOMERANG.
ALL RIGHT, AUSTRALIA,I GET IT.
YOU DON'T HAVETO STEREOTYPE YOURSELF.
BUT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BAGWAS A SHEET OF COOKIES.
I WAS NOT FAMILIARWITH THIS PARTICULAR COOKIE
'CAUSE WE DON'T HAVE IT HERE.
IT'S CALLED A TIM TAM.
(scattered cheering)OH. OH.
TRAVELERS, TRAVELERS.
(laughter)
IT'S AN UNIMPRESSIVE NAME.I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.
IT'S TWEE.I DON'T WANT A TIM TAM.
I'M A LITTLE BIT MOREOF A MAN THAN THAT.
BUT I'M IN MY HOTEL ROOMFOR A LITTLE WHILE.
I GET A LITTLE PECKISH.I CRACK OPEN A TIM TAM.
NOW IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIARWITH WHAT IT IS,
IT'S JUST A COOKIE.
IT'S A COOKIE COVEREDIN CHOCOLATE.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
(laughter)
THAT'S HOW I STEREOTYPED IT.BUT I WAS HUNGRY. IT WAS FREE.
I TOOK A BITE. SNAP.OH!
(laughter)
AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS.WHAT IS THIS?
WHERE AM I?HALF AN HOUR LIKE LATER--
HALF AN HOUR LATER,I AM NAKED ON MY BED
COVERED IN CHOCOLATE,AND I AM OUT OF TIM TAMS,
AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS--HOW DO I MAKE THIS MY LIFE?
HOW DO I BECOME THIS?(bleep) MY FAMILY.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY FAMILY.(bleep) THEM.
THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DOFOR A LIFE.
IT'S 1975, I'M KEITH RICHARDSAND ANITA PALLENBERG.
WE DON'T CARE WHERETHE STONES ARE, LET'S GET HIGH.
(laughter)
SO CLEARLY I'M OUT.SLIP ON SOME SHORTS.
I GO OUTSIDE AND I FIND THEM
BECAUSE THEY'REIN EVERY CONVENIENCE STORE.
THEY'RE EVERYWHEREIN DIFFERENT FLAVORS!
CARAMEL! VANILLA!CHOCOLATE! FUDGE!
COOKIES AND CREAM!COOKIES AND CREAM!
COOKIES AND CREAM!IT ALREADY IS A COOKIE!
HOW DO YOU FLAVOR A COOKIECOOKIE FLAVOR?
WELL, GOD DAMN IT,THEY'VE DONE IT!
(laughter)
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
AND WE DON'T HAVE THEMHERE IN AMERICA.
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE WE'D DIE.PEOPLE HERE WOULD DIE.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.WE'RE AN AWESOME COUNTRY.
BUT GOD DAMN IT, WE LOVE TO EAT.WE LOVE IT.
AND WE WILL NOT STOP.WE LOVE TO EAT.
I LOVE TO EAT.THAT'S WHY I GOT SO FAT.
I LOVE TO EAT.
IF I DON'T WALK AWAYFROM A MEAL HURTING,
I DIDN'T DO IT RIGHT.
IF I DON'T WALK AWAYFROM THANKSGIVING DINNER FEELING
LIKE I'VE BEEN TURKEY (bleep)IN A GINGERBREAD PRISON...
(laughter and applause)
I DIDN'T DO IT RIGHT!
PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME,"WHAT DOES IT TASTE LIKE?
A TIM TAM, CAN YOU DESCRIBE IT?"I CAN'T.
I CAN'T DO IT. "TRY."I CAN'T DO IT.
"CHOCOLATEY?"NO, WRONG WORD.
I MEAN,IT'S RIGHT, BUT IT'S WRONG.
"DELICIOUS?" NO.
"WHAT IS IT, GREG?"IT'S DIRTY. IT'S DIRTY.
"I WANT TO HEAR IT."IT'S DIRTY, I CAN'T SAY IT.
"NO, BUT DO IT."I CAN'T SAY IT, IT'S DIRTY.
"WHAT IS IT?"GOD, IT'S JUST--IT'S AWESOME.
IT'S TOO--YOU KNOW,IT--
WANT TO KNOWWHAT IT TASTES LIKE?
IT--IT'S LIKE--YOU WANT TO--
(laughter)
GOD'S VAGINA.
(laughter)