Maria Bamford - Hotels

  • Season 11 , Ep 10
  • 02/15/2007
  • Views: 17,842

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I TRAVEL A LOT AND SO NOW I LIKE TO BRING MY CELL PHONE,

YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY HAVE A CONFERENCE AT THE HOTEL.

THAT'S NICE.

I CAN GO DOWN AND MINGLE WITH MY FELLOW BUSINESS PEOPLE.

"YEAH. UH-HUH. YEAH, I JUST GOT OUT ON BAIL. YEAH.

"NO, I DID IT. NO, I DID IT.YEAH. HA, HA, HA!

"I DID 900 BILLION OF THOSE GILLION BILLION TRILLION

"BILLION GILLION BUTTERSCOTCH.

"YEAH. ON MY DESK-- NO, IN IT-- NO, ON IT. YEAH, IN IT.

"YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.BY, BY TWILIGHT.

"BEFORE YOU TRANSFER ME TO THE ALBINO BABY HIPPO DEPARTMENT,

"COULD YOU CANCEL MY FLIGHT OUT OF JFK?

"YEAH. I'M JUST GONNA WALK. YEAH.

MAMA'S JUST GONNA HOOF IT. ALL RIGHT."

I-- I WAS STAYING IN A VERY FANCY HOTEL RECENTLY.

I DON'T WANT TO BRAG BUTIT RHYMES WITH "SCHMUBBLE TREE."

- AND-- YES. - [LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS HAVINGMY SWEET FREE BREAKFAST

NEXT TO THE ORANGE JUICE MACHINE.

[WHIRRING SOUND]

RIGHT? THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE-- ORANGE JUICE MACHINE.

AND MY FELLOWBUSINESS PERSON SAT DOWNAND HE WAS A BIT OF A--

YOU KNOW, CONFIDENT, YOU KNOW, BUSINESS PERSON.

HE'S LIKE, "SO, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

WHAT KIND OF WORK TO DO YOU?" "I'M A-- I'M A COMEDIENNE."

- [WHIRRING SOUND] - [LAUGHTER]

"COMEDY? YEAH. I ALWAYS THOUGHT IF I DID COMEDY, YOU KNOW,

I'D DO, LIKE, SEINFELD.YOU KNOW, I'D DO, LIKE,

JOKE, JOKE, JOKE. GET A TV SHOW.AND THEN JUST [BLEEP] COAST."

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - [WHIRRING SOUND]

"YEAH. ME, TOO. ME, TOO.THAT'S WHAT I WAS GONNA DO, TOO.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA TO, TOO."

"SO, WHAT KIND OF WORK DO YOU DO FOR FUN?"

"I'M MAKING AN ART CLASSAT THE WIZARD OF ART.

"I'M CURRENTLY MAKINGA PAINTING OF AN APPLE.

IT'S-- IT'S CALLED 'APPLE.'"

"YEAH, ART. YEAH, I ALWAYS SAID IF I DID ART, I'D DO, LIKE, PICASSO.

"YOU KNOW [BLEEP] THAT JUST BLOWS PEOPLE'S MINDS.

"THEN MAKE A MILLION OF 'EM, MAKE TOTE BAGS, KEY CHAINS

AND THEN JUST [BLEEP] COAST."

"YEAH, THAT'S WHAT-- RIGHT NOW, I'M JUST WORKING ON

THE COLORS RIGHT NOW. JUST WORKING ON THE COLORS."

"YEAH, SO LISTEN, I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

BUT GOOD LUCK WITH ALL THAT."

"YEAH, I'M GONNA GET OUT OF HERE, TOO.

"BUT WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I'M GONNA [BLEEP] TAKE THE FREE PEANUT BUTTER PACKETS

"AND I'M GONNA [BLEEP] BLOW MYSELF OUT OF THE WATER

"AND THEN I'M GONNA SUCCEED AT IT.

"AND THEN I'M GONNA GO UP TO MY HOTEL ROOM

"AND SHOTGUN A DIET COKE AND DO MY POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS

"FROM THAT BOOK 'THE ARTIST'S WAY'

AND THEN I'M GONNA [BLEEP] COAST."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

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