Jim Gaffigan - Delivery

Beyond the Pale Season 1, Ep 101 04/01/2008 Views: 85,451

Sometimes after a long hour of work Jim Gaffigan likes to unwind with a burger and a crack pipe. (2:45)

I'LL TELL A LITTLE BIT

ABOUT MYSELF.

I'M KOREAN.

AND I COME FROM THE COUNTRY

OF KOREA.

AND I'VE BEEN HERE FOR--

HOW DO YOU SAY--

ONE DAY.

ACTUALLY, I WISH I WAS KOREAN,

'CAUSE THEN MY INTEREST

IN ASIAN WOMEN

WOULDN'T BE CONSIDERED

SO CREEPY.

"HMM, HE LOOKS LIKE

ONE OF THOSE GUYS.

HE LOOKS LIKE A MORMON.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH LOOKING LIKE

A MORMON?"

ACTUALLY,

I ONLY DATED ONE ASIAN GIRL,

BUT SHE WAS VERY ASIAN.

SHE WAS A PANDA.

AND...

"HEY, I LIKE PANDAS.

THEY'RE ENDANGERED, FELLA.

YOU AND YOUR GIRL SHIRT."

I'M NOT KOREAN.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL

BY LOOKING AT ME,

BUT, UH, BOTH MY PARENTS

WERE WHITE.

"I THINK ONE OF THEM

WAS A POLAR BEAR.

MAYBE THAT'S WHY

HE WENT OUT WITH A PANDA.

I DIDN'T KNOW

HE WAS GONNA BE DOING

BEAR JOKES.

HE'S DOING THE BIG SPECIAL,

AND HE'S DOING JOKES

ABOUT BEARS.

SEEMS WEIRD TO ME.

HE LOOKS LIKE

HE EATS A LOT OF CANDY.

HUH?"

I DO LOVE FOOD.

I EVEN ENJOY

WATCHING PEOPLE MAKE FOOD.

BUT YOU EVER NOTICE

THE FOOD NETWORK

IS FAR MORE INTERESTING

WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY?

WHEN YOU'RE FULL,

YOU'RE LIKE, "THIS IS STUPID."

BUT WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY,

THE FOOD NETWORK'S LIKE PORN.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, YEAH!

WHIP IT UP, BABY.

(whispers) BAKE IT FOR ME."

(normal voice) IT IS

A LITTLE EMBARRASSING

WHEN SOMEONE CATCHES YOU

WATCHING THE FOOD NETWORK.

"WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?"

UH, UM, THE FOOD NETWORK.

"SO WHY ARE YOUR PANTS OFF?"

I... I-I LIKE FOOD.

A LOT.

I DO LOVE FOOD.

I LIKE TO EAT

LATE AT NIGHT, TOO.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED

TO EAT LATE AT NIGHT.

THEN AGAIN, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED

TO DRINK BOOZE IN THE MORNING.

AND APPARENTLY,

YOU'RE NEVER SUPPOSED

TO SMOKE CRACK.

WHOA, WHATEVER!

I'M NOT TRAINING

FOR THE OLYMPICS!

SORRY, AFTER AN ENTIRE HOUR

OF WORK,

I WANNA UNWIND WITH

A BURGER AND A CRACK PIPE.

IF I DO THAT EVERY NIGHT,

DOES IT MAKE ME SOME CRACKHEAD?

"THIS GUY'S A CRACKHEAD.

THAT'S WHY HE'S SO PALE.

HE'S THE FATTEST CRACKHEAD

I'VE EVER SEEN."