I look like a douchebag.
Cool, thank you,thank you very much.
That's not really a joke.
It's just, like, I need you tomake sure to know that I know,
like, I'm aware.
I've seen mirrors, I get it,like, I understand.
Like, I feel like, before I evenpicked up the microphone,
most of you alreadydidn't like me,
and that's, that's okay,
because '80s movies havetaught you to not trust someone
with my hair and bone structure.
I get it.
You know what I mean, I feellike that's my whole life.
I just have, like,a douchey face,
where I can just, like,walk into a party,
eat three Pringles, and leave,and everyone's just like...
"That guy was a dick,I don't like him."
I try to have fun with it,though.
Like, during my lunch breaksat work,
I like to throw ona letterman jacket
and stop by local high schools,right? Yeah?
And just, like,cruise around the cafeteria,
find a kid sitting alone,
and he's, like, "Pfft,Stacy's a cheerleader.
She'd never go to prom with you,dorkwad."
He's, like, "Wait, who are you?
You look at least 40."
I'm like, "Whatever, kid.
I actually recently joineda support group
for people who peakedin high school.
It's called CrossFit.
I saw it during...Oh, you've heard of it.
Thank you very much,that's, uh...
That's not a joke, either,I actually do it-- it's sad.
Here's the thing that's lame:It's, like, I'm 28 years old.
At this point in my life,when I go to the gym,
it's just to work out,it's just to stay in shape.
People who do CrossFitconsider it a sport.
Like, when I joined the gym,the first thing they asked was,
"So what are your goalsas an athlete?"
It's like, "Low cholesteroland sex with the lights on?
Like, why are you here?"
And I don't think the workoutsare good for you.
Like, they sound likethey were written
by an undercover chiropractortrying to drum up business.
That's like, "All right,here's twice your body weight.
"You're going to pick it up,set it down,
then screamlike a wounded Spartan."
"Okay, what about form?"
"No time for form, just tryto lift with your back."
"Okay, that sounds likeit's going to hurt
and not in a good way."
"Don't be a pussy.
"Pain is just cartilage leavingyour kneecaps-- you got this."