No, I want a liger, huh?
Remember, from Napoleon Dynamite?
That's a real thing.
It's the bastard offspring
of the lion and the tiger
jumping across species lines
to createan unholy third species.
There's tons of hybrid species.Tons of them.
These animalsdon't choose to mate
with their cousin species,mind you.
Humans make them
because we have littleto no respect
for the sexual preferencesof animals.
We just are thesebig dumb kids
in nature's sandboxwho want to point at stuff
and be like,"You, [bleep] that.
"I wanna see what comes out.
Ha ha ha ha."
So there are tonsof hybrid species.
There's ligers, and tigons,and zorses,
and grolar bears!
Ah, that's just reallya polar bear
with jungle fever,let's be honest.
And yet humans cannotproduce viable offspring
with our closest animal cousin,the chimpanzee.
We cannot impregnatea chimp.
So you know what that means?
No condoms, [bleep] yeah.
Here I come, chimps.
Here I come.
I've seen you peel bananaswith your feet.
I know whatyou're capable of.
I am on to you, chimps.
But seriously,don't [bleep] animals, right?
We were having fun a second ago.It was a joke.
Uh, please don't[bleep] animals.
If you take away one thingfrom this comedy special,
Chris Hardwick says,"Don't [bleep] animals."
I mean, you can [bleep] your dog'cause you own him
and who's he gonna tell?But don't--
You can.You can.
You can totally [bleep]your dog.
You could--It would be fine.
Oh, my God,your dog's your buddy.
He's up for anything,whatever.
No, hang on a second.
If you really think about it,you know for a fact
you could totally [bleep]your dog
and a second later,he'd be like,
"What do you wanna do now?"