Nick Swardson - Old People

  • Season 4 , Ep 6
  • 01/07/2001
  • Views: 50,257

It's hard for Nick to compete with his grandma's problems. (5:10)

THAT IN YOUR LIFE, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE THEY MAKE YOU FEEL

BETTER ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

THEY MAKE YOU APPRECIATE IT

MORE.

BECAUSE HER PROBLEMS ARE LIKE

5,000 TIMES WORSE THAN MY

PROBLEMS, YOU KNOW?

LIKE I ALWAYS GET COCKY AND

SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT.

SHE'LL CALL ME UP.

SHE'LL BE LIKE "NICHOLAS, IT'S

YOUR GRANDMOTHER."

LIKE I HAVE 90-YEAR-OLD FRIENDS.

(LAUGHTER)

"HEY, IT'S 90-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY."

(LAUGHTER)

SHE'S LIKE, "HOW WAS YOUR DAY

TODAY?"

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, MY DAY,

GRANDMA?

MY DAY WAS HORRIBLE.

I HAD THE WORST DAY.

I WAKE UP.

I GO TO THE VIDEO STORE.

THIS GUY ALMOST HITS ME.

I GET THERE.

THE MOVIE I WANT IS GONE.

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE IT.

AND IT'S, LIKE, THE YANKEES

LOST.

AND IT'S GONNA RAIN.

IT WAS LIKE THE WORST DAY.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?"

"WELL, I-- I WOKE UP AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

AND MY HEART HURTS WHEN I

BREATHE.

AND ANOTHER ONE OF MY FRIENDS

DIED."

IT'S LIKE, WHAT DO I SAY TO

THAT, YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, TOTALLY.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, THE YANKEES WERE AHEAD

AND THEN THEY LOST."

IT'S LIKE, NO, YOU GOT NOTHING

ON THAT.

YOU CAN'T TRY TO COMPETE WITH

GRANDMA'S PROBLEMS.

(LAUGHTER)

GRANDMA WINS, MAN.

BUT, LIKE, I-- I CAN'T WAIT TO

BE 90.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

IT'S ALL WHAT YOU DO WITH

THINGS.

THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS, IF I CAN

TIE IN A RUNNING THEME.

IT'S ALL HAVING FUN.

LIKE WHEN I'M 90, IT'S YOU KNOW,

I'M GONNA SHOPLIFT 24 HOURS A

DAY, YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA DO IS

JUST STEAL (BLEEP).

YOU KNOW?

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA DO.

JUST STEAL.

NO ONE'S GONNA BUST YOU.

NO ONE'S GONNA BE LIKE, "WHOA.

DID YOU JUST TAKE THAT?"

"I'M OLD."

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

YEAH, THAT PERSON'S OLD.

THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN IT."

LIKE YOU'RE MONEY WHEN YOU'RE

OLD.

AND I'M GONNA DRIVE FAST.

FORGET THAT.

WHO CARES?

I'M GONNA FLOOR IT.

WHY DON'T OLD PEOPLE DRIVE--

LIKE THEY ALWAYS DRIVE SO-- IT

DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE IF YOU

THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW?

WHENEVER I GET STUCK BEHIND 'EM,

I'M LIKE, "COME ON.

LET'S GO.

YOU'RE DYING.

(LAUGHTER)

TIME IS RUNNING OUT.

YOU'VE GOT TO MOVE.

YOU COULD GO AT ANY SECOND,

GRANDMA.

COME ON, STEP ON IT.

YOU'VE GOT TO RUN THOSE RED

LIGHTS."

(LAUGHTER)

WHEN I'M 90, I'M GONNA BE GOING

90.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GONNA BE FLOORING IT.

FORGET THAT.

YOU GET PULLED OVER, WHO CARES?

THE COP'S LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU

THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"I AM DYING.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

LOOK AT ME.

LOOK AT ME!

NOW, LET ME GO.

I'VE GOT MORE STUFF TO STEAL...

(LAUGHTER)

DAGBURNIT."

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE YOU'VE GOT

ALL THAT MONEY SAVED UP.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST BUY A

SWEET CAR LIKE A CORVETTE OR

SOMETHING AND JUST FLOOR IT

EVERYWHERE, JUST RUNNING RED

LIGHTS.

AND THEN WHEN YOU DIE, IT'S LIKE

COOL.

YOU KNOW?

YOUR FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "HEY, I

HEARD YOUR GRANDMA PASSED AWAY.

WHAT HAPPENED?"

"SHE FLIPPED HER 'VET, MAN."

(LAUGHTER)

ONE THING I NOTICED HANGING OUT

WITH MY GRANDMA, THERE'S GONNA

BE NO DIGNITY LEFT IN OLD

PEOPLE, LIKE BY THE TIME MY

GENERATION GETS OLD.

IT'S WEIRD.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, OLD PEOPLE NOW

ARE SO SWEET AND NICE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, I CAN'T SWEAR AT

MY GRANDMA.

YOU KNOW?

EVEN IF I'M LIKE "OH, THAT

SUCKS," MY MOM IS LIKE "SHH.

DON'T SAY THAT, NOT AROUND

GRANDMA.

THAT'S NOT WHAT WE SAY AROUND

GRANDMA.

THOSE ARE NOT WORDS WE USE

AROUND GRANDMA.

THAT'S NOT WHAT WE SAY.

YOU KNOW THAT."

BUT IT'S LIKE I SWEAR ALL THE

TIME.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S HOW I'M GONNA

BE WHEN I'M OLD.

YOU KNOW, MY GRANDSON'S GONNA BE

LIKE "HEY, GRANDPA.

WE'RE GONNA GO TO THE ZOO.

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE ZOO?"

"OH, WHAT?

THE ZOO?

OH, (BLEEP) THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M NOT (BLEEP) GOING TO THE

ZOO.

WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?

(LAUGHTER)

THE ZOO?"

"MOM! GRANDPA SAID I WAS GAY!"

"DON'T TELL ON ME, BITCH.

(LAUGHTER)

STUPID.

WHERE'S MY DR. DRE CD?"

(LAUGHTER)

HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY DRE CD?"

THAT'S ANOTHER THING.

LIKE OLD PEOPLE ARE GONNA LISTEN

TO RAP IN THE FUTURE.

LIKE HOW WEIRD IS THAT?

THEY ARE.

THAT'S-- YOU KNOW, LIKE, YOU

LISTEN TO THE MUSIC THAT YOU HAD

WHEN YOU WERE GROWING UP.

IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, LIKE MY

GRANDMA NOW.

SHE IS ALWAYS LIKE, "I'M GONNA

PLAY SOME MUSIC FOR EVERYONE.

LET'S HEAR SOME MUSIC.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO..."

(SCAT SINGING ALONG)

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I'M GONNA BE, LIKE, "ALL

RIGHT.

LET'S HEAR SOME MUSIC.

HERE WE GO, EVERYBODY.

HOW DOES THIS SOUND?

(MIMICKING RAP MUSIC)

♪ BITCH, HO.

"I LOVE THAT SONG.

YOUR GRANDMOTHER WAS A HO."

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

THANKS A LOT YOU GUYS.

YOU GUYS ARE REALLY AWESOME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE

BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

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