Aziz Ansari - Harsh Cop

Santorelli, Ansari, Walsh, Koy Season 9, Ep 903 02/03/2006 Views: 181,433

After being confronted by a rude police officer, Aziz Ansari imagines how he could've responded in a more satisfying manner. (2:26)

I WAS HANGING OUT ATTHIS PARTY RECENTLY

AND I HEARD THIS GUY GOING AROUND

TALKING ABOUT HOW HE WAS THIS BIG RAP PRODUCER.

AND HE WAS JUST GOING AROUND AND BOASTING AND BRAGGING.

AND IN ONE OFTHOSE BRAGGING SESSIONS,

I HEARD HIM JUST TELL SOMEBODY, "HEY, HEY!

WHY DON'T YOU TRYMAKING FOUR BEATS A DAYFOR TWO SUMMERS?"

WHAT A DANGEROUSLY, SPECIFIC CHALLENGE THAT IS.

"FOUR BEATS A DAY FOR TWO SUMMERS!"

THAT DOESN'T SOUND ALL THAT DIFFICULT.

BOOM BOOM SH-BOOM BOOM.BOOM CHA BOOM BOOM.

BOOM CHA CHA CHA CHA BOOM BOOM.

WELL, THAT'S THREE, RIGHT THERE.

AND THAT'S JUST 10 SECONDSFROM A RANDOM TUESDAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'LL LEAVE YOU GUYS WITH THIS STORY.

I WAS WALKING AROUND IN CHINATOWN RECENTLY WITH MY ROOMMATE.

AND WE SAW ONE OF THOSE COPS THAT YOU SOMETIMES SEE,

LIKE, AFTER 9/11 THAT HAS, LIKE, A BIG ASSAULT RIFLE

AND LIKE A BIG GERMAN SHEPHERD WITH HIM.

AND MY FRIEND STARTED TAKING PICTURES OF THE DOG

'CAUSE IT LOOKEDKIND OF CRAZY.

AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERETHE COP GETS ALL PISSED.

HE'S, LIKE "HOW MANY PICTURESYOU NEED TO TAKE, SON?

WHAT DON'T YOUKEEP IT MOVING?"

AND I WAS, LIKE, "MAN, THAT'S PRETTY HARSH.

AND HE GOES, "HARSH? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HARSH IS."

AND I DIDN'TSAY ANYTHING AFTER THAT.

BUT HERE ARE A COUPLE SCENARIOS THAT I WISH

WOULD HAVE HAPPENED INSTEAD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO IN THE FIRST SCENARIO--

I JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE A LARGE BRICK IN MY HAND.

AND I NAIL THE GUY AGAINST THE HEAD.

AND THEN FOR WHATEVER REASON,

THERE ARE NO NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES FOR THAT ACTION.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IN THE SECOND SCENARIO WHEN HE GOES,

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HARSH IS," I GO,

"MAYBE YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT HARSH IS."

AND THEN I GRAB HIS DOGAND I SNAP ITS NECK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE IN THIS SCENARIO I'M REALLY STRONG.

AND THEN IN THE FINAL SCENARIO WHEN HE GOES,

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HARSH IS," I GO,

"WHY DON'T YOU TRYMAKING FOUR BEATS A DAYFOR TWO SUMMERS?"

THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.