God, thank you so much.That is so nice.
I really need this.
I'm a little depressed tonight.
You know of all nights.AUDIENCE:Aw.
Thanks for the fake sympathy,
huge-breasted girlsin the front row.
Look at those.
No, I'll tell you why,I'll tell you why.
I was on the bus today...
I was on the busand this little girl
started playing with my hair.
And so I looked at her momto be, like, you know,
hey, get your daughter off me.
She's not that cute.
Well, she wasn't.
And the mother looksat me and goes,
"You look just likeher Cabbage Patch Doll."
You're so sweet.Don't feel bad for me.
I think I'm like so pretty.
No, I do, I do.It's not...
Do you have any friendsthat think
they're way better lookingthan they are?
Maybe it's you, I don't know,but, uh...
but it's not my fault.
My mom made me thinkI was gorgeous.
Did anybody else's parentsdo this?
When I was youngershe was like...
"Look at you!
You're an angel.You sparkle."
And I was like, "I do."
You believe your parents.
And I just remember walking
into middle schooland I was just like...
I was like, "You'll allget to meet me.
Form a line," you know.
And they were like,"What are these?"
And I was like, "Cool bangs.
Can I sitat your lunch table?"
And they were like, "No,"you know.
They were like,"You're gross."
And I was like, "Really?
Then why am I wearing this Cats: The Musical sweatshirt?"
Explain that, everybody.