Lewis Black - Long Christmas

  • Season 6 , Ep 1
  • 04/21/2002
  • Views: 43,512

How long does it take you Christians to shop? (2:45)

AT THE SUPER BOWL THAT SANTA

DIDN'T LAND AND THAT WE JUST

STARTED CHRISTMAS AGAIN.

I WILL TELL YOU THAT

YOU CHRISTIANS HAVE CREATED A

HOLIDAY THAT HAS BECOME A BEAST

THAT CANNOT BE FED.

EVERY YEAR CHRISTMAS GETS

LONGER AND LONGER AND LONGER

AND YOU DON'T CARE DO YOU?

YOU JUST TAKE MORE AND MORE

OF THE CALENDAR FOR YOURSELF.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU PEOPLE

TO SHOP?

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S BEYOND BELIEF!

IT'S INSANE!

WHEN I WAS A KID, HALLOWEEN WAS

HALLOWEEN AND SANTA WASN'T

POKING HIS ASS INTO IT!

(LAUGHTER)

THE WORST THING ABOUT HALLOWEEN

IS OF COURSE, CANDY CORN.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE TO ME.

CANDY CORN IS THE ONLY CANDY

IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICA

THAT'S NEVER BEEN ADVERTISED.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THERE'S A REASON.

ALL OF THE CANDY CORN THAT WAS

EVER MADE WAS MADE IN 1911.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND SO SINCE NOBODY EATS

THAT STUFF, EVERY YEAR THERE'S

A TON OF IT LEFT OVER AND

THE CANDY CORN COMPANY SENDS

THE GUYS TO THE VILLAGES

AND THEY COLLECT OUT OF THE

DUMPSTERS ALL THE CANDY CORN

WE'VE THROWN AWAY.

THEY WASH IT!

THEY WASH IT!

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL NEVER FORGET THE FIRST TIME

MY MOTHER GAVE ME CANDY CORN,

SHE SAID, "HERE, LEWIS,

THIS IS CANDY CORN.

IT'S CORN THAT TASTES LIKE

CANDY."

(CRIES OUTS)

(LAUGHTER)

THIS TASTES LIKE CRAP!

AND EVERY YEAR SINCE THEN

HALLOWEEN HAS RETURNED AN EYE

LIKE AN ALZHEIMER'S PATIENT.

FIND MYSELF IN A ROOM AND

HE ROOM HAS A TABLE IN IT,

AND ON THE TABLE IS A BOWL OF

CANDY CORN.

AND I LOOK AT IT AS I'VE NEVER

SEEN IT BEFORE.

(LAUGHTER)

CANDY CORN I THINK...

CORN THAT TASTES LIKE CANDY.

I CAN WAIT!

SON OF A BITCH!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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