Lewis Black - Long Christmas

  • Season 6 , Ep 1
  • 04/21/2002
  • Views: 43,766

How long does it take you Christians to shop? (2:45)

I WAS SURPRISED THIS YEAR

AT THE SUPER BOWL THAT SANTADIDN'T LAND AND THAT WE JUST

STARTED CHRISTMAS AGAIN.

I WILL TELL YOU THATYOU CHRISTIANS HAVE CREATED A

HOLIDAY THAT HAS BECOME A BEASTTHAT CANNOT BE FED.

EVERY YEAR CHRISTMAS GETSLONGER AND LONGER AND LONGER

AND YOU DON'T CARE DO YOU?

YOU JUST TAKE MORE AND MOREOF THE CALENDAR FOR YOURSELF.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU PEOPLETO SHOP?

(LAUGHTER)IT'S BEYOND BELIEF!

IT'S INSANE!

WHEN I WAS A KID, HALLOWEEN WASHALLOWEEN AND SANTA WASN'T

POKING HIS ASS INTO IT!

(LAUGHTER)THE WORST THING ABOUT HALLOWEEN

IS OF COURSE, CANDY CORN.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE TO ME.

CANDY CORN IS THE ONLY CANDYIN THE HISTORY OF AMERICA

THAT'S NEVER BEEN ADVERTISED.

(LAUGHTER)AND THERE'S A REASON.

ALL OF THE CANDY CORN THAT WASEVER MADE WAS MADE IN 1911.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)AND SO SINCE NOBODY EATS

THAT STUFF, EVERY YEAR THERE'SA TON OF IT LEFT OVER AND

THE CANDY CORN COMPANY SENDSTHE GUYS TO THE VILLAGES

AND THEY COLLECT OUT OF THEDUMPSTERS ALL THE CANDY CORN

WE'VE THROWN AWAY.

THEY WASH IT!

THEY WASH IT!

(LAUGHTER)I'LL NEVER FORGET THE FIRST TIME

MY MOTHER GAVE ME CANDY CORN,SHE SAID, "HERE, LEWIS,

THIS IS CANDY CORN.

IT'S CORN THAT TASTES LIKECANDY."

(CRIES OUTS)(LAUGHTER)

THIS TASTES LIKE CRAP!

AND EVERY YEAR SINCE THENHALLOWEEN HAS RETURNED AN EYE

LIKE AN ALZHEIMER'S PATIENT.

FIND MYSELF IN A ROOM ANDHE ROOM HAS A TABLE IN IT,

AND ON THE TABLE IS A BOWL OFCANDY CORN.

AND I LOOK AT IT AS I'VE NEVERSEEN IT BEFORE.

(LAUGHTER)CANDY CORN I THINK...

CORN THAT TASTES LIKE CANDY.

I CAN WAIT!

SON OF A BITCH!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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