Patrice O'Neal - Once a Month

Patrice O'Neal: Elephant in the Room Season 1, Ep 101 02/19/2011 Views: 20,609

After observing what woman go when they have their periods, Patrice O'Neal believes that he would kill himself if his nose bled every month. (2:19)

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TO BE FAIR TO WOMEN...UM...

YOU KNOW, IT'S...

LOOK, GOD HAS BEENVERY CRUEL TO YOU.

BEING A WOMAN,AS A CREATURE,

I THINKIT'S JUST UNFAIR.

I WOULDN'TWANT TO BE A WOMAN.

IT'S JUST...I MEAN, LIKE, YOUR PERIOD,

LIKE,I LOOK AT THAT AND--

AND SEE WHAT MY WOMANGO THROUGH EVERY MONTH.

LIKE, IF MY NOSE BLEDEVERY MONTH,

I THINK I WOULDKILL MYSELF.

I WOULD BE LIKE,"MOTHER--OH, MY GOD, MAN."

YOU GOTTA STICK SOMETHINGIN YOUR NOSE

WITH A STRING HANGING OUT.

GOTTA TAKE THAT OUT,WHAT, EVERY SEVEN SECONDS

OR WHATEVER.

AND FIVE DAYSBEFORE YOUR NOSE BLEEDS,

YOU KNOWIT'S GONNA BLEED,

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN,

SO YOU JUSTSITTIN' THERE LIKE,

"WHEN IS MY NOSE

"GOING TO START BLEEDING?

OH, MY GOD!"

AND THEN IF YOUR NOSE DON'TBLEED WHEN IT'S SUPPOSED TO,

YOU'RE LIKE,"OH, MY GOD!

"MY NOSE IS SUPPOSEDTO BE BLEEDING BY NOW!"

[crying]

"I'MA GO TO THE HOSPITAL

IF IT'S NOT BLEEDING SOON!"

AND Y'ALL GET HORNYAND...

MY WOMAN GETS HORNY ON HER--OH, MY GOD.

AND I AIN'T DOWN WITH THAT.

AND I SEE HER FACE,LIKE IF I WOULD DO IT ONE TIME,

IT PROBABLYWOULD CHANGE HER LIFE,

LIKE SHE WOULD BEJUST SO GRATEFUL,

BUT I JUST CAN'T.

SHE'S LIKE, "COME ON.

"YOU KNOW, COME ON.JUST...

JUST LAY A--COME ON,LAY A TOWEL OR SOMETHING DOWN."

AND I WAS GONNA DO ITONE TIME,

BUT THEN I GOOGLEDTHE WHOLE CYCLE.

THERE'S ALL KIND OF STUFFHAP--I DON'T...

I SHARPENED A MOP STICK.

EVERY MONTH,I JUST POKE HER,

I GO, "YAH! GET BACK!

"YAH! BACK!GET IN THE CLOSET!

GET OUT OF HERE!"

SLIDE HER SOME RAW MEATUNDER THE DOOR.

"EAT THAT FOR A WEEK!HA! GET BACK!"