Reno Collier - Physical Education

CC Presents: Reno Collier Season 9, Ep 6 03/03/2005 Views: 9,331

If you teach in a school, you better be a good liar. (3:02)

I DIDN'T ALWAYS DO THIS FOR

A LIVING.

I AH, I USED TO BE A

SCHOOLTEACHER AND UH,

I TAUGHT PE.

WHEW, IT WAS HOT OUTSIDE, MAN.

I GOT SICK OF TEACHING THOUGH.

I JUST ENDED UP QUITTIN',

'CAUSE I COULDN'T LIE ANYMORE.

IF YOU TEACH SCHOOL, YOU BETTER

BE A GOOD LIAR, MAN.

THOSE PARENTS COME IN THERE FOR

PARENT/TEACHER CONFERENCE CRAP.

ASK STUPID QUESTIONS ALL THE

TIME.

THIS LADY COMES IN SHE'S LIKE,

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHY JIMMY

DOESN'T DO BETTER IN TRACK!"

YOU GOTTA BE LIKE, "CAUSE HE

DOESN'T APPLY HIMSELF."

[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU'RE THINKING, "'CAUSE

HE'S A FRUITY LITTLE BASTARD

AND HE SKIPS, THAT'S WHY!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW?

FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU DON'T

RUN TRACK LIKE THIS.

"LOOK AT HIS DAD.

IT AIN'T MY FAULT.

YOU WANTED AN ATHLETE LADY,

YOU SHOULDN'T A MARRIED A GUY

WHO STANDS LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T FIX THIS.

THAT LITTLE KID'S GONNA DECORATE

ANY WAY YOU CUT IT."

I JUST TELL HIM I BE LIKE,

"YOU PAY ATTENTION IN ART CLASS,

'CAUSE THIS AIN'T WORKING OUT

FOR YOU, YA KNOW."

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS HARD, MAN.

I HAD TO SUBSTITUTE TEACH BEFORE

I GOT MY FULL TIME TEACHING JOB.

AND UH, IT WAS WEIRD, LIKE MY

FIRST DAY I'M SUBSTITUTING

HIGH SCHOOL, I'M WALKING DOWN

THE HALL, THE PRINCIPAL

DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE SCHOOL,

I'M WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY

WITH THE PRINCIPAL, I'M ABOUT

TO WALK IN MY FIRST CLASS.

THE PRINCIPAL GOES, "I JUST

WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT SOME

OF THE STUDENTS IN THIS CLASS

ARE ON DRUGS BUT WE DON'T KNOW

WHICH ONES THEY ARE."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

HE'S LIKE, "HOW WOULD WE KNOW?"

I WAS LIKE, "C'MERE, DUDE."

I OPEN UP THE DOOR TO THE CLASS,

I JUMP OUT IN FRONT OF ALL

THE STUDENTS, I'M LIKE,

"BLAAAA HA HA!"

LIKE THREE KIDS ARE LIKE,

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA."

"BAM, BAM BAM, GET OUT!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN.

HE DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE ON

DRUGS.

GO IN THE CAFETERIA.

WATCH THEM ON TACO DAY.

IF THEY TAKE THEIR TORTILLA

AND THEY PULL...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT KID'S HIGH, MAN.

AND HIGH SCHOOL KIDS ARE LIKE

FREAKING OUT NOW, MAN.

LIKE IT BECAME A TREND AT THIS

HIGH SCHOOL FOR THESE GIRLS

TO GET THEIR NAMES TATTOOED

RIGHT ACROSS THE TOP OF THEIR

REAR END.

I GUESS SO LIKE THE GUY

WOULD KNOW WHAT HER NAME WAS

WHEN THEY'RE...DOING IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I START THINKING THOUGH AS A

TEACHER, WE OUGHT TO GET

CREATIVE AND MAKE IT A TREND

FOR THE GIRLS TO GET THE

TIMES TABLES TATTOOED ON THEIR

BACK, YA KNOW.

THAT KID MIGHT GET VD BUT HE'LL

LEARN HIS SEVENS, THEY'RE RIGHT

IN FRONT OF HIM.

SEVEN TIMES SEVEN, FORTY-NINE,

SEVEN TIMES SEVEN, FORTY-NINE!

YOU GOTTA GO TO WHERE THEY ARE!

YA KNOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]