Patton Oswalt - When the Zombies Come

Patton Oswalt: No Reason to Complain Season 1, Ep 0101 12/05/2004 Views: 19,850

Triggering the biblical apocalypse is the only reason Patton Oswalt would suggest keeping George W. Bush in office. (2:54)

Patton Oswalt: BY THE TIME THEY

AIR THIS THERE'S GONNA BE A NEW

PRESIDENT AND I HAVE A LOT OF--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT MIGHT NOT BE A GOOD ONE

BUT...

OH, I KNOW YOU'RE SAYING--

I DON'T KNOW--

I HAVE A LOT OF DREAD THESE

DAYS.

I'M TRYING TO BE OPTIMISTIC.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS THING'S

GONNA TURN OUT.

I DON'T WANNA JINX IT.

SO, WON'T I'M GONNA SAY NOW,

AND JUST HANG ON HIPPIES,

I'M BEING IRONIC IS--

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S A VERY SICK PART OF ME

THAT WANTS TO VOTE FOR

GEORGE BUSH AND THIS IS WHY,

ALL RIGHT?

HANG ON!

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU INTO MORDOR--

BRING RIGHT BACK TO THE SHIRE--

JUST HANG ON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I FEEL LIKE GEORGE BUSH CAN

BRING ABOUT THE BIBLICAL

APOCALYPSE.

I DON'T MEAN THE ROAD WARRIOR

THERE'S NO GAS APOCALYPSE,

OR THE JERRY BRUCKHEIMER THE

WEATHER'S GONE CRAZY APOCALYPSE.

I MEAN THE REVELATION OF

ST. JOHN-- DEMONS COMING OUT OF

THE OCEAN-- SEVEN HEADED

BEASTS-- ALL THAT STUFF.

BECAUSE, HERE'S THE THING,

I DON'T THINK BUSH WANTS TO BE

PRESIDENT.

I THINK HE WANTS TO BE THE

LAST PRESIDENT-- JUST OUT IN

THE WASTELAND IN A HOCKEY MASK

ALL MUTATED AND MUSCULAR--

"JUST WALK AWAY FROM THE

GASOLINE."

THAT'S KINDA WHO HE WANTS TO BE.

AND IF THE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS,

THAT'S HOW I WANNA DIE,

BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY TO GO.

BECAUSE ONCE THE APOCALYPSE

STARTS, AND YOU GUYS WILL KNOW

THAT IT'S STARTING, BECAUSE...

Audience Member: ZOMBIES--

Patton Oswalt: ZOMBIES,

VERY GOOD.

WHEN THE ZOMBIES COME, IT MEANS

THAT I'M WRONG AND THERE IS A

GOD, AND THERE IS AN AFTERLIFE.

AND IT ALSO MEANS YOU WILL BE

IN THE VIP SECTION OF ETERNITY--

THE VELVET ROPE SECTION OF

FOREVER, BECAUSE YOU'LL HAVE

DIED IN THE APOCALYPSE.

EVERYONE ELSE IN HEAVEN--

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW BORING

THEIR STORIES ARE?

"HOW DID YOU DIE, MAN?"

"A BUS ACCIDENT."

"HOW DID YOU DIE, MAN?"

"FIRE ANTS."

THEY'LL GO, "HOW DID YOU DIE?"

AND YOU'LL GO, "HOW DID I DIE,

IN THE MOTHER [BLEEP]

APOCALYPSE."

"IT WAS AWESOME.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT.

OH, THESE HOLES OPEN UP IN THE

GROUND AND THESE SKULLS WITH

BAT WINGS CAME OUT AND THEY

GNAWED ON PEOPLE.

AND THEN THESE VOLCANOS ROSE

AND SPEWED MENSTRUAL BLOOD UNDER

THE SKIES AND IT FORMED INTO

AVRIL LEVIGNE'S FACE AND SHE

RECITED THE GOODWILL HUNTING

SCREEN PLAY, AND THE WORDS

TURNED INTO RAZORBLADES AND THEN

YOU SHEERED YOUR FACE OFF

AND GEORGE BUSH WAS PRESIDENT

AND MEDIOCRITY HELD SWAY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT!

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