Uncensored - Giraldo Tribute - Harvard Lawyer

Season 1 , Ep 101 03/18/11 Views: 8,191

Jeff Ross shares the story of Greg Giraldo using his background as a lawyer to get him out of a jam. (2:23)

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- WELL, HERE'SA HARVARD LAWYER

WHO DECIDED TO DOWHAT WE DO.

ALL OF A SUDDEN WE'RE ALLA LITTLE BIT MORE FANCY.

- I GOT ARRESTED AND SPENTA NIGHT IN JAIL IN VIRGINIA

FOR DRINKING A BEERON THE SIDEWALK.

IN NEW YORK I COULDA BEENDRINKING THAT BEER

OUT OF THE HOLLOWED-OUT SKULL

OF SOMETHINGI'D JUST DECAPITATED.

I COULDA BEEN STANDINGON THE HOOD OF A COP CAR

MOCKING THE OFFICERSWITH IT.

"CHEERS, BIG EARS!"

I COULDA BEEN DOING FUNNELSOUT OF THIS HEAD'S NOSTRILS,

AND THERE WOULD HAVE BEENNO PROBLEMS AT ALL,

UNLESS I WASILLEGALLY PARKED.

YOU KNOW, THAT--[laughter]

- I GOT BUSTEDFOR INCITING A RIOT

AT THIS COLLEGE GIG.

I HAD NO MONEYFOR A LAWYER.

I WAS AN OPENING ACT.

YOU KNOW,I DIDN'T WANT A RECORD.

HE SAID, "YEAH, I'LL HELP YOUGET OUTTA THAT.

THAT'S NO PROBLEM."

WE EACH HAD OUR ONE GOODSUIT AND TIE ON,

AND GREG, LIKE,WORKED CIRCLES

AROUND SOME LOCAL JUDGE.

AND HE GOT MY INCITINGA RIOT CASE DISMISSED.

AND WE WERE BUDDIESEVER SINCE THEN.

- IT WAS A RIDICULOUS THOUGHT

THAT I COULD POSSIBLY EVERWORK IN A REGULAR JOB.

I JUST THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, I'DTAKEN THE LSATS AND ALL THAT.

IT WENT WELL, AND GOING TO LAWSCHOOL WAS FUN ENOUGH I GUESS.

BUT THEN TRYING TO BEA REAL WORKING LAWYER

WAS NOT AN ISSUE,NOT AN OPTION.

I'M SITTING HEREABOUT TO PERFORM

IN FRONT OFA GIANT AUDIENCE

WITH MY PANTSELECTRICAL TAPED TOGETHER.

SO IMAGINE THE KINDOF LAWYER I WOULD BE.

I WAS ON THE SUBWAYTHE OTHER DAY.

I SAW THESE HOMELESS GUYSSINGING A CAPELLA.

THEY WERE HOMELESS AND THEY WERESINGING A CAPELLA FOR MONEY.

HOW'D THOSE GUYSEVEN MEET?

HOW DO YOU BUMP INTOOTHER A CAPELLA ENTHUSIASTS

WHEN YOU'RE OUT THEREON THE HOMELESS TRAIL?

YOU THINK THEY'RE JUST SITTINGAROUND THE SHELTER ONE DAY.

"I NEED SOME CRACK."

♪ ME TOO, ME THREE

OH!

- I CAN'T EVER REMEMBER,LIKE, LOOKING BACK

REMEMBERING GREGWHEN HE WAS NEW.

EVEN THOUGH HE WAS NEWWHEN I SAW HIM,

HE WAS JUST ALWAYSAN AWESOME COMIC.

- WHEN YOU START OUT,

YOU DO A LOT OF DICKAND MIDGET AND PUSSY JOKES.

HE WAS WRITINGTOPICAL STUFF.

HE HAD, LIKE, YOU KNOW,DIRTY, FILTHY STUFF

BUT REALLY SMART STUFF.

I FOUGHT THAT.

I'M STILL DOING THE DICK ANDPUSSY AND MIDGET STUFF, OKAY?

- HILARY CLINTONIS PROBABLY GONNA GET INDICTED

ON WHITEWATER CHARGES.

AND BECAUSE CLINTON'SSTILL PRESIDENT,

HE GETS TO DECIDE WHETHERTO PARDON HER OR NOT.

HE GETS TO DECIDE WHETHERTO PARDON HIS OWN WIFE.

WHAT AN AMAZING RELATIONSHIPBARGAINING CHIP THAT IS.

YOU KNOW,IF YOU GET TO DECIDE

WHETHER YOUR WIFEGOES TO PRISON OR NOT,

WHO PICKS THE MOVIES THEN,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

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