it was a reallyjam-packed weekend,
so let's get rightto the big story this weekend.
REPORTER: Millions take to the streets
marching against the new commander in chief.
REPORTER 2: Huge rallies led by women in Washington
around the country and around the world.
REPORTER 3: On every continent, they turned out.
REPORTER 4: Three million people took part.
There was a point to the sea of pink hats.
What are these hats called?
No, no,you know what, no. No.
When a woman wears a pussy hatit's a political act,
but if I wear a penis hat
then I get thrown outof the Chuck E. Cheese.
No, that is not fair.
Goddamn PC police.It's not fair.
I mean, it was the actual police
and I was having hat sex witha, like, a mechanical mouse,
but that's not point.That's not the point.
So, anyway, the women's marchwas on Saturday.
Millions of womentook to the streets to protest
President Donald Trumpwith especially huge crowds
in Washington, D.C., New York,
Chicago and Los Angeles.
Although, to be fair,a lot of the L.A. marchers
were just therebecause they hoped
a casting directormight discover them.
That's it, they were like,"I hate Donald Trump."
"I... hate Donald Trump
"almost as muchas I hate my father.
Did I get it? Did I getthe part? Did I get it?"
Look, I-I don't blame them,but I did think it was
a little desperate that theirprotest signs were head shots.
I think that was over...over the top.
Just a little bit too much, L.A.
Now, uh, in a-in a testamentto how truly (bleep)
the rest of the world feelsby a Donald Trump presidency,
protesters took to the streetsin over 30 countries.
-(cheering, applause) -In Londonthere was a huge protest.
En Mexico, una protesta gigante.
In Deutschland, ein glaublich grosse protest
Oh, and this is true,this is true: they were even
protesting Trump in Antarctica.
In Antarctica, people. Yeah.
And... and nobody...nobody was happier about that
than the Antarctica Staples--
this was their busiest...
busiest timethey've ever had in years.
You know, thi-this, for me,
is the one silver liningof a Donald Trump presidency:
unity.Think about it.
He's pissed off so manydifferent people
that now everyoneis teaming up against him.
Everyone is coming together fromall different walks of life.
It's-it's almost like Independence Day,
but instead of the president,Trump's the alien.
That's what's happened.Everyone's like,
"All right, for now.We're friends for now.
Let's handle this."
Oh, and it turns out humansreally don't like aliens.
REPORTER: Some crowd experts telling the New York Times
there may have been as many as three times more people
at the women's march in Washington
than at Trump's inauguration.
That is insane.
Three times more people pitchedup to protest Donald Trump
than to celebrate him.
It's almost... it's almostas if he lost the popular vote.
And-and you knowthat got to Trump, right?
Because on the same afternoonthat the marches
were taking place,Donald Trump--
in his first outingas president--
went to formallyintroduce himself to the CIA.
And, obviously, there wereso many pressing matters
of national security to discuss.Uh, you know, he could have
discussed foreign espionage,uh, cyber security, terrorism,
uh, or, if you'rePresident Trump,
the most pressing issueof national security is...
We had a massive fieldof people, you saw them. Packed.
I get up this morning and Iturn on one of the networks
and they show an empty field.
I said, wait a minute,I made a speech.
I looked out. The field was...
It looked like a million,a million and a half people.
It went all the way backto the Washington Monument.
Why does it sound...
like Trump'sreading a fairy tale
to inigen...intelligence agents?
What is he...
telling them, a million people,
and the king's horses,they all came over the hill.
And they were running.
But Sleeping Beauty--she was asleep,
And they cameand they kissed her.
She didn't wake up.She didn't wake up.
So I grabbed her by the pussy.Then she woke up.
She woke up.
I don't know whythe dwarves didn't try.
I don't know why the dwarvesdidn't try.
But I did it.
Who is this man?
And-and just to make this clear,
that wall that he's speakingin front of,
that's the CIA's Memorial Wall.
Each one of those starsrepresents
an agent who diedin the line of duty.
For the CIA,that's hallowed ground,
and Trump is using itto pimp his popularity.
Like, is there any setting whereTrump won't brag about himself?
He's like, "This earthquakewas truly massive, folks.
"Truly massive.Almost as massive as the ratings
"for Celebrity Apprentice.
Really big earthquake, folks."
Oh, and, by the way, uh, to allour fans watching at the CIA,
uh, Trump didn't drawenough people
to make it all the way backto the Washington Monument.
Just... Now you know. Uh...
It's insane, actually,that Donald Trump would spend
the first 24 hoursof his presidency fighting
over somethingas inconsequential
as how big his crowd wasand how long it stretched.
-You know, I... And I would...-(laughter)
I would never suggest,I would never suggest
that the presidentof the United States sees
his inauguration crowdas some kind of metaphor
for his manhood. But-but the way
he and his defenders talkabout it,
it's almost unavoidable.
And, George, I would just sayabout crowd size,
um, first of all,there was rain,
the-the downpourthat was reported,
and I think it deterredmany people from coming.
So-so what you're saying is,
when a president's crowdis exposed to cold water,
there tendsto be some shrinkage.
REPORTER: Take a look at those pictures.
On the left, you've got the Obama inaugural crowd.
On the right, you've got the Trump inaugural crowd.
Which one is bigger?
Listen, that... you're-you'realso not-not saying
that that picture was takenbefore he was even speaking.
Oh, I understand.
Trump's crowd was a grower,not a shower.
I see. I see.
This was the first timein our nation's history
that floor coverings have beenused to protect the grass
in the mall. That had the effectof highlighting
any areas where peoplewere not standing,
while, in years past, the grasseliminated this visual.
The grass coverings. Of course.
What Trump's press secretaryis saying
is that, with some differentlandscaping choices,
the crowd would have appearednoticeably larger.
-I-I understand.-(cheering and applause)
Back when President Obamawas being inaugurated,
that was the firstAfrican-American president,
-so of course you're gonna geta bigger crowd. -Right.
-(laughter)-Yeah, well, I mean...
I mean,I know it's a stereotype,
but black presidents do tendto have bigger crowds.
Tend to have bigger crowds.
Ha, ha, ha!
Look, man, Donald Trump,
you shouldn't be embarrassedby that, okay?
What should embarrassDonald Trump though
is that women all over the worldmarched together
to tell Trump how unsatisfiedhe's left them.