Neal Brennan - Three Mics

The One with the Childhood Crushes Season 1, Ep 1 07/24/2014 Views: 18,157

Neal Brennan alternates between three microphones to reveal the unexpected perks of aging, open up about his depression and describe the worst part of technological advances. (3:35)

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Well, tonight I'm doingsomething where I'mactually gonna do--

I'm setting three-- somethingI've always wanted to do.

Three mics... one is gonnabe for regular bits.

One mic is gonna be for bitsthat don't have very much--just like orphans.

Just like one-liners.

In the middle is gonnabe for true emotional things.

We're gonna start with orphans.

Must be nice to be old, becauseyou can wear like a Band-Aidon your face for no reason.

And also you can make noisesand people just accept it.

Where you can just be like--


Um, I've had two girls break upwith me in the last year...

and I like, fuck, I cried reallyhard.

And usually I cry, 'causewhen I break up with girls,because I feel guilty.

But this time I cried,because I felt like, loss.

Look, these computers are toopowerful, am I right?

Just these phones and computersare great, but they'retoo powerful.

We're turn-- we're all likeRoman Emperors now...

just on our computers all day...

on Facebook and YouTube.

Don't like, that I like.

Incoming call... ignore.

We gotta figure this out,because we have people givingthese, that are not qualified.

Because I was on YouTube,Beethoven's 5th Symphony.


Like the most famous songof all-time.

10,000 dislikes on YouTube.

I'm not kidding, that manypeople were like...

"Your music stinks, bro, andI know music, I'm from Tampa.Thumbs down."

That ASPCA commercial,with Sarah McLachlan?

And they had to-- they had to--they finally stopped doing it.

Because they were-- they weresaving a lot of dogs...

but a lot of human beingswere taking their own lives.

Oh, um, so I have depressionand I take anti-depressants.

And people-- like people go--

It's like it's stigmatized,people were like, "You're weak."

And it's like, I'm not weak,I just, like, I don't wake upand go, "I'm weak."

I just go like,"Oh, this is fair."

I got no hobbies.

I actually, I watchdocumentaries, that's myonly hobby.

I watched this really goodLance Armstrong documentary.

It's called The Armstrong Lie,anybody see it?

All right, it's fantastic,one guy.

Um, fantastic.

Going to the movie,I thought-- we all thoughtabout Lance Armstrong...

which was he's a pieceof garbage.

But now that I've seen themovie, it's a little morecomplicated than that...

because, all right, he won theTour de France seven times...

on drugs every time,but here's the thing.

He also raised $100 millionfor cancer research.

Say what you want about the guy,but he figured out a wayto do drugs for charity.

That's something.

And it must have been hard toresist, too, because if someonecame to me and was like...

"Neal, you can cure pediatricAIDS, but you're gonna haveto do a ton of cocaine."

I'd be like, "Let's helpsome kids, huh?"