Uh, now it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.
The worst part of The Donald'sterrible, horrible,
no-good, very bad week has gotto be his leaked tax return
showing that he probably hasn'tpaid taxes in two decades.
This after Trump declared a lossof $916 million in 1995.
To put that insane amountof money in context,
that's 14 private jets,63 minor league baseball teams,
or 45.8 million dildoson Amazon.
Uh, Trump's campaign is playinghis alleged tax evasion off
as a smart business move,though they're facing
a pretty tough critic--Trump of the past.
He criticized President Obamafor not paying enough taxes,
the middle classfor not paying enough taxes,
and even braggedabout how much tax he paid.
Wow, that Donald Trump guy
is not doing Donald Trumpany favors.
Uh, but since the AngryRoad Cone is only minutes away
from the nuclear codes,
Donald Trump clearlyhas it all figured out.
Which is why tonight's hashtagis TrumpFinancialTips.
Examples might be-- claimyour toupee as a dependent,
save moneyby buying wives in bulk.
I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.
-Steve Agee.-Take some very classy
glossy photos of your daughter
and sell them to the choicestperverts in New York City.
All right, points.Choicest. Doug.
Always bet against black.
-All right.-(laughter, groaning)
Yeah, you heard me.This is serious.
All right, points.
Save money on hatsby wearing road kill.
-All right, points.-(audience groans)
-Agee.-If your taxes are too high,
Market your tit milkas stamina sauce.
-(laughter)-All right, points.
All right, for Brendon.
Never pay for goods or services.
All right, points.
Uh, lose $900 million?Check the sofa cushions.
HARDWICK:All right, points.
Plant some magic beans.
Maybe they'll growinto a beanstalk,
and you can go rob a giant.
HARDWICK: All right, points.
What is this characteryou're doing?
-That's, that's Donald...-Trump-ish.
Steve, I'd like to speakto Donald Trump for a moment.
Go ahead, Chris.
HARDWICK: So how do you planto market stamina sauce?
I'm going to milk my tittiesinto a jar.
I will use Saran Wrap,Donald Trump Saran Wrap.
I don't know.(bleep) it.