Baron Vaughn - Black Test

  • Season 2, Ep 15
  • 06/21/2013
  • Views: 8,234

Baron Vaughn's blackness is constantly under investigation. (2:40)

(clears throat)That's weird.

Um...

I got black testedthe other day.

Uh, which is obnoxious

'cause my blackness isconstantly under investigation,

because, uh, black peoplecan't tell where I'm from

based on the way that I speak,

so I'm constantly tryingto prove myself.

Just like,"Excuse me, brother, yeah, yeah.

"Uh, can you name twoof the three elements used

in the band nameEarth, Wind & Fire?"

"Uh, earth and wind?"

"Okay, Malcolm X's birth name?"

"Malcolm Little.""All right, finish this lyric.

'It was all a dream.'"

"I used to read Word Up Magazine."

"Okay, okay."

"Will you hide thisfor a month?"

"No."

"Correct. Just a week."

(chuckles)

It's because black peopleall have, uh,

different definitionsof blackness,

and we'll all never agreewhat that is,

but we all think our versionshould be the version.

And this is why black people

constantly black testeach other, you know?

And I'll give youthe telltale signs

of, like,two black strangers talking,

having a black test.

Like, it might be in a placewhere you're...

where you run into strangers,you know, a DMV,

grocery store.

One black personwill be telling a story,

monopolizing the conversation.

Something like, "And thenI stabbed that smurfy mother."

Which, to be fair,is a good story.

I mean, it's got a clearbeginning, a middle and an end.

"I stabbed that smurfy motherwith the shiv I carved

out of an old televisionremote control."

Wow, is that Hemmingway?

And...

the other black person,while listening to that story,

will ask a series of follow-upquestions that reveal

what kind of black personthey are.

Like, one black personwill be like,

"What? What?

"Why would you... Why?

"Do you love pizza?

"So do I. I love pizza.

"Perhaps that personloved pizza.

"Why would you hurt someonethat loves what you love?"

That's one kind of black person.

Another kind of black personwould be like,

"Should have stabbedhis ass twice."

(laughs)

And then laugh way too longwith their mouth way too open.

Like, a fly can go in there.

And then a third black personwould be like,

well, they won't say anything.

They'll just stab the personthat was talking, you know?

Doesn't matter where they are,who's watching,

they just drop themto the ground.

They're like, "That's howyou take care of biz.

"I'm sorry, your name's not Biz?

"Well, there's beena horrible mistake,

"but no regrets.

Pound it, lock it,throw away the key."

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