David Arnold - Keep Your Man

  • Season 2 , Ep 2
  • 01/26/2012
  • Views: 900

David Arnold tells the ladies in the audience how to keep their men. (1:52)

IF YOU WANT NOT TO DEALWITH THAT KIND OF STUFF,

YOU DO WHAT YOU DID TO KEEP YOURMAN THAT YOU DID TO GET HIM.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

YOU LISTEN TO WHATI'M TELLIN' YOU.

FUCK THE JOKES--I'M TRYIN' TO HELP YOU.

ALL RIGHT--I-- SUCK HIS DICK.

FOCUS.

YOU UNDERSTAND, MA'AM, THEONE SHAKIN' YOUR HEAD

RIGHT THERE.

I NEED YOU TO FOCUS,YOU UNDERSTAND?

I SEE YOU GOT ARING ON YOUR FINGER.

YOU DIDN'T GET THAT RINGWITHOUT MASTERIN' THE ART

OF SUCKIN' DICK--STOP.

I REMEMBER BEFORE I GOTMARRIED, MY WIFE WOULD GO

DOWN ON ME FOR REASONS I WASEMBARRASSED FOR HER ABOUT.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

SHE WOULD BE LIKE,"OOH, CANDY FOR ME?

"AHH!"

I'M LIKE, "OKAY,WAIT A MINUTE."

NOW, I CAN'T GET IT NEARHER FACE, YOU UNDERSTAND?

SHE'S EVASIVE.

I'M LIKE, "WHERE'D SHE GO--SHE DISAPPEARED."

I LOOK UP--SHE ON THE CEILIN' FAN.

NO, THAT'S NOT WHATI SIGNED UP FOR.

AND SHE SAID TO ME--WE GOT INTO IT ONE TIME.

SHE SAID, "DAVID,EXPLAIN SOMETHIN' TO ME.

"WHY SHOULD I GO DOWNON YOU EVERYDAY?"

I SAID, "I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

"'CAUSE WHEN YOUCOME IN THE ROOM

"AND YOU FLIP THE SWITCH,THE ROOM ILLUMINATES.

"BECAUSE WHEN YOU OPEN UPTHE REFRIGERATOR,

"YOU CAN'T SEE THE BACK OF IT,'CAUSE IT'S FULL.

"'CAUSE IF YOU WANT TO,YOU CAN GO OUTSIDE

"AND GET IN ANYONE OF THEM CARS.

"THEY ALWAYSGONNA BE THERE.

"WHY?

"'CAUSE I GOT THETITLES IN MY OFFICE.

"IF YOU NEED SOME SPACE,GO IN ANY ONE

"OF THESE FIVE BEDROOMS.

"I BOUGHT THIS FOR ME,YOU, AND THE KIDS.

"IF IT'S HOT,GO IN THE BACKYARD,

"GET IN THAT SWIMMING POOL--IT AIN'T NOBODY HERE BUT US.

"AND IF YOU WANT TO, WE CANGET DOWN ON OUR KNEES

"AND PRAY ABOUT HOW TO MAKETHIS RELATIONSHIP BETTER,

"AND I WILL GET DOWN ON MYKNEES AND PRAY WITH YOU.

"BUT WHEN I GET UP,I NEED YOU TO STAY THERE

"FOR TWO MORE MINUTES ANDDO WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING

"SUPPOSED TO DO."

MY NAME'S DAVID ARNOLD--THIS IS WHAT I DO!

[cheering]

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