Anthony Jeselnik - My Dad the Racist

  • Season 2 , Ep 3
  • 04/07/2011
  • Views: 91,194

Anthony Jeselnik's dad was a huge racist, but he still tried to be a good father. (2:59)

HE KEEPS ON LOSING HIS KEYS.

CAN'T HANG ON TO A SET OF KEYSTO SAVE HIS LIFE,

AND HE HAS TRIED EVERYTHING,TOO.

LITTLE HOOK NEXT TO THE DOOR,LITTLE BOWL NEXT TO HIS BED,

KEY CHAIN MAKES A NOISEWHEN YOU WHISTLE.

NOTHING WORKED.

SO FINALLY,THIS YEAR FOR HIS BIRTHDAY

THE WHOLE FAMILY CHIPPED IN,

AND WE PUT HIM IN A HOME.

(laughter)

(applause)

MY DADWAS A COMPLICATED MAN.

HE WAS, LIKE--HE WAS A HUGERACIST, MY DAD.

HUGE RACIST,BUT HE STILL TRIED TO BE

A GOOD FATHER,YOU KNOW?

LIKE, HE WOULD TELL METHAT SANTA CLAUSE WAS BLACK.

THAT WAY WHEN I FOUND OUTHE DIDN'T EXIST,

WOULDN'T BE THAT BIG A LETDOWN,YOU KNOW?

(laughter and groaning)

SOME PEOPLEGET WEIRD ABOUT THAT JOKE.

(laughter)

THEY THINK IT'S RACIST.IT'S NOT.

IT'S ABOUTRACISM.

(laughter)

WHICH IS BETTER.

MY BROTHER-IN-LAWIS A STATE TROOPER

IN THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.

HE TOLD ME THE ONLY WAYHE WOULD EVER LET SOMEONE

OUT OF A DUI IS IFTHEY GAVE HIM A (bleep).

I SAID, "HEY, SCUMBAG.

"YOU'RE MARRIEDTO MY SISTER.

JUST GIVE ME THE DUI."

(laughter)

(applause)

I FEEL LIKE THAT JOKEIS, LIKE, ALMOST THERE.

I JUST NEED TO FINDA WAY TO MAKE IT RACIST.

(laughter)

I'VE GOT A LONG HISTORYOF SUICIDE IN MY FAMILY.

THE GOOD NEWS IS,IT SKIPS A GENERATION,

SO IF I'M LUCKY,

MY KIDSWILL KILL THEMSELVES.

(laughter)

MY SISTER JUST HAD A BABY,A LITTLE NEWBORN.

KID IS ADORABLE, SO CUTE.

SHE WON'T LET ME HOLD HIM.SHE REFUSES.

SHE SAYS, "NO WAY, ANTHONY.

I'M AFRAIDYOU'RE GONNA DROP HIM."

I'M 32 YEARS OLD.

LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF IDIOT.

LIKE I DON'T HAVEA MILLION OTHER WAYS

TO HURT THAT BABY.

(laughter)

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