Matt Goldich - Assemblies

Season 9 , Ep 906 01/27/06 Views: 3,036

Matt Goldich missed the point of the anti-drug assemblies at his school. (1:53)

AND THEY WERE ALL PRETTY MUCH THE SAME.

LIKE EVERY ASSEMBLY WE HAD, THEY WOULD BRING IN SOME

FORMER DRUG ADDICT.AND HE'D BE LIKE, "YEAH.

"I WAS ADDICTED TO DRUGS FOR 20 YEARS AND I ALMOST DIED.

AND THAT'S WHYYOU SHOULDN'T DO DRUGS."

AND I'D BE LIKE, "WELL, YOU DIDN'T DIE,

"AND YOU GOT TO DO ALL THOSE DRUGS, SO...

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - YOU KNOW, IT'S A...

IT'S NOT A VERY CONVINCING ARGUMENT.

HE'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, YOU KNOW, BUT SOME OF MY FRIENDS,

THEY DIDN'T MAKE IT." I'D BE THINKING,

"WELL, AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO SIT THROUGH

THIS BORING ASSEMBLY. GUESS THEY LUCKED OUT, YEAH."

I WAS IN A BAR NOT TOO LONG AGO.GUY ASKED ME IF I HAD A BOWL.

GUESS HE WANTED TO SMOKE SOME WEED.

AND I WAS KIND OF FLATTERED, ACTUALLY.

I'M NOT NORMALLYTHE TYPE OF GUY

PEOPLE ASSUME HAS A BOWL ON HIM.

LIKE, I'M THE KIND OF GUY PEOPLEASK ME A LOT IF I HAVE STAMPS.

THAT'S KIND OF THE REPUTATION I'VE ACQUIRED.

I DON'T GET A LOT OF LIKE, "MATT, WANNA SMOKE SOME WEED?"

I GET LIKE, "HEY MATT,DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVIL?"

LIKE THAT'S KIND OF MY LITTLE NICHE THAT I'VE CARVED OUT MYSELF, YEAH.

SO, I WAS IN THE SUPERMARKET. AND I WAS IN THE CHECKOUT LINE.

I GOT BORED AND STARTED READING ONE OF THOSE WOMEN'S MAGAZINES.

AND THERE WAS AN ARTICLE. THE TITLE OF THE ARTICLE WAS,

"ARE YOU GOOD IN BED?" THAT WAS THE TITLE.

AND LET ME JUST TELL YOU SOMETHING, LADIES.

IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHETHER OR NOT YOU'RE GOOD IN BED,

AH-- YES. YES, YOU ARE GOOD IN BED.

YOU REALLY DON'T NEEDA MAGAZINE TO TELL YOU.

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.AS A GUY,

OUR STANDARD PRETTY MUCH IS-- IF YOU ARE IN BED...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT IS AUTOMATICALLY GOOD.

THAT'S-- IT'S BASICALLYWHERE WE'RE COMING FROM.

WELL, THANKS A LOT, YOU GUYS. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

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