Jake Johannsen - Fat-Free Desserts

Kightlinger, Posehn, Kindler Season 2, Ep 0219 05/19/1993 Views: 1,223

If not fat, then what's in it? (2:08)

That's our only quota,by the way-- two drinks.

That's the way we book the show.

People are just people.

We were going to book the show--you know-- on a merit basis.

The best people arethe best people.

That turned out to bea hassle-- watching

all the comedian'stapes and everything.

So what we did was we just wenton a first serve-- first come,

first serve kind of a thing.

And then we just usethe tapes to tape

movies at home on the VCR.

Um, so you know, you figure onecomic the other comic-- it's

all the-- you watch TV longenough, you'll see them all.

You know, I was watchingTV the other day,

and I saw-- youknow what I saw was

an ad for those offat-free desserts.

Those things are alittle scary to me,

because you have towonder if there's

no fat in there, whatis in there instead?

You know what I mean?

If they take the fat out, theyhave to put something back.

Well, they don't have to.

Some of those diet desserts,they just take the fat out,

and we all know thosetaste like sweetened dirt.

But the one-- if ittastes kind of good,

you know, then it's thatartificial, fat-substitute

chemical stuff, whichthey can't really prove

is bad, because thelab rats won't eat it.

you know, they'rejust-- could we

have some more of thatsweetened dirt, please.

It's all undigestible.

The fat substitute the wayit works it's undigestible.

It just goes right to go throughyou, like poker chips or BBs.

The stuff, like when you were akid you used to eat that stuff,

except this is chemicals, likebrake fluid and shoe polish,

which, that doesn't soundthat good to-- well, the shoe

polish.

Anyway, what happens is yoursystem just tries to digest it.

Is that what youwant-- white corpuscles

attacking your dessert?

That should be a clue thatyou've eaten the wrong thing.

Hey, here's somethingthat my body's

going to reject fasterthan a baboon's liver.

I think I'll use it to whipup some scones, you know?

It's like they replace thefat with carcinogens whose

half-life exceedsthe life expectancy

of the average pyramid.

You know, you're in troubleif you eat that stuff.

Anyway, our first comedian--I segue right into the show--