I got a check in the mailfor $100
from my great aunt Noni.
She's like...Oh, did you know her? Cool.
I doubt it because she livesin the woods by herself. Um...
She's like 90-something,
and I didn't knowwhy I got this check,
so I called my momand apparently,
my great aunt Noni had senta hundred dollars to my sister
and my cousinswhen they got married.
And she told my mom, she said,
"I'm just going to send Jessethe hundred dollars now.
Because he's not going to getmarried before I die."
It's fine. I'm okay with it.
I'm talking about it on TV.It's fine. Uh...
And also, like, I mean,and you know,
and if I wait till she dies,there's other red tape.
I'd never see the money.Uh... (chuckles)
But also, like,I've literally seen this lady
like seven or eight timesin my whole life.
Where does she get offsizing up my chances?
It's like, "Jesse, that guy'snever going to get married."
"All he does is open up presentsand hang out at funerals.
Not the settling down type."
"Thank you for the socks.Sorry for your loss."
That's not what the modern womanwants to talk about.
Send him a check.
So I was eavesdroppingon these two dip(bleep). Um...
I wasn't...I didn't start that way.
I was sitting down at this,this coffee shop.
And these two guysstarted talking.
I swear this is verbatim.
I'm going to tell you, these twoguys were talking next to me.
And it starts off,his friend, uh,
he goes, "Dude, you knowwhat pisses me off
more than, like, anything?"
His friend goes, "What?"
"When you see likea seven or an eight
and she's withthis complete tool."
And his friend goes,"Dude, I know."
"Or what about a nine?"
And he just goes, "Dude..."
And I kind of wantedto lean in and be like,
"Well, what about a ten?"
But I didn't.
I didn't want to get chargedwith involuntary manslaughter
when they spontaneouslycombusted
at the thought ofa tool with a ten.
Actually, I wish I had knownthey were going to be there.
I'd have my friends sit down,
and he would say,"What about a ten?"
Then I would walk by with bothof their moms on my arms.
And be like,"Or what about two fives!"
"Or what about two...