Exclusive - David Spade - Princess and the Horndog

David Spade: My Fake Problems Season 1, Ep 101 05/04/2014 Views: 3,831

At a young age, David Spade observed that there's not much of a courting process for dogs. (1:28)

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THIS BEAUTIFUL DOG,

GERMAN SHEPHERD,WHITE SHEPHERD,

PRANCING AROUND THE BACKYARD.

THE PROBLEM IS,I MEAN, YES, SHE'S SINGLE.

BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKSIN THE DOG WORLD,

'CAUSE THERE'S THIS RATTY DOGNEXT DOOR NAMED SHECKY.

AND IT WAS ALL BURNT PATCHES,SORT OF A MIXED DOG,

NOT A FULL GERMAN SHEPHERD,AND, LIKE, BURN MARKS.

NO EXPLANATION.

AND IT WOULD SCRAPEOVER THE SIX-FOOT WALL,

OVER THE PYRACANTHAS,

AND JUMP OVER AND START BANGINGTHE SHIT OUT OF PRINCESS

ALL THE TIME.

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?[humming]

HEY, NICE DAY.

AND, YOU KNOW,PRINCESS IS LIKE THIS.

[whimpers] LIKE,SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

SHE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE,"CAN SOMEONE INTRODUCE ME?"

BECAUSE THERE'SNO COURTING PROCESS.

IT'S NOT SUPER ROMANTIC.I PROMISE YOU.

AND THEN I'M SITTINGAGAINST THE GLASS, LIKE...

[groans]

'CAUSE IT'S SUCHA WEIRD PHENOMENON.

AND THEN SHECKY SCRAMS.

AND THEN, LIKE,IT'S FOURTH OF JULY,

AND EVERYONE'S THEREAND PRINCESS IS LIKE...

AND HERE COMES GODDAMNHORN DOG SHECKY OVER THE WALL...

[imitates scraping]OVER THE PYRACANTHAS.

BANG!HEY, HAPPY NEW YEAR.

HEY, FOURTH OF JULY.WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WHOO!BOTTLE ROCKETS.

LET'S DO THIS.

FIST BUMPS ALL AROUND.

[imitates firework explodingand whistling]

YEAH. COLESLAW.YOU KNOW--

AND PRINCESS IS LIKE, "UM, GUYS,ANYBODY WANT TO STOP THIS?

"THIS ISN'T EVEN DATE RAPE.THIS IS RAPE RAPE.

"I DON'T KNOW THIS DOG.

"IT'S LIKEA FRIEND OF A FRIEND.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.IT HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE DAY.

NO ONE'S REPORTING IT."

SHECKY'S LIKE,

"YEAH, NOT A BAD WAY TO SPENDTHE FOURTH, HUH? WHAT'S UP?"

AND THEN PRINCESS GOT PREGNANT,