Jessi Klein - Before Sex List

  • Season 15, Ep 13
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 26,712

Jessi Klein is Jewish, which means that she is a little bit sad all of the time. (2:01)

I just knowthat for me,

for mypersonality type,

I could not deal withhaving to tell a guy

that I have herpes beforeI have sex with him,

because I alreadyhave so much crap

I have to tell a guybefore we can have sex,

that I cannotafford to add

another thingto that list.

Like, literally, beforeI have sex with a guy,

I have to sit down withhim and just be like,

"Okay, pppp...

[audience laughing]

Here is whatyou need to know.

"Um, number one: I am settingmy alarm for 7 a.m.

"That's whenI need you to leave.

"Um...

[audience laughing]

"I don't haveto be anywhere.

"That's just when I needto start freaking out

"that this happened.

"Um...

"Number two: I am Jewishso... if you're not--

"Whoa-- if you'renot familiar with

"what that is...

"essentially, I am a littlebit sad all of the time.

Um...

[applause]

You guys are like, "You know,the Jews do seem sad.

"Did somethinghappen to them?

"Did something happen?

"It seems likesomething happened."

Um...

[audience laughing]

"Number three:I would appreciate it

"if while weare having sex,

"you could sort of gently pushthe hair away from my face,

"sort of, sort of morelike in a romantic movie

"and less likewe're on a futon.

Um...

"Number four:and this is the big one...

"Um, I cannothave sex

"with somebodyI do not love.

"So, number five:I love you!

[audience laughing]

"Number six: so much!

"Number seven:Now you say it.

"Number eight:you're not saying it.

"Number nine: You knowwhat-- Let's just do it.

"Forget it--you'll say it after."

Um...

[audience laughing]

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