Todd Lynn - Hard to Live in New York

  • Season 9 , Ep 14
  • 05/12/2005
  • Views: 2,332

New Yorkers, you are the rudest people in the world. (3:50)

Todd Lynn: HI, HI.

WE CAN'T BE IN HERE ALL NIGHT.

OKAY.

OKAY, LOOK AT HERE ALL Y'ALL.

HERE'S MY STORY.

I MOVED HERE THREE YEARS AGO.

I'M NOT FROM NEW YORK.

I'M FROM OHIO, KIND OF A

COUNTRY BOY.

YEAH.

YEAH, I'VE BEEN HERE LIKE

THREE YEARS.

MY ASSESSMENT OF THIS PLACE IS,

I-- I GOTTA GET THE HELL

OUT OF HERE.

THIS IS, AH--

THIS PLACE A LITTLE TOO ROUGH

ON ME.

LET ME SAY THIS AND THIS IS

NOT FOR ALL NEW YORKERS BUT

PRETTY MUCH 98 PERCENT OF THEM,

Y'ALL THE MOST RUDEST PEOPLE

I EVER MET IN MY LIFE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE NEVER MET--

I MEAN Y'ALL MAKE--

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

Y'ALL MAKE THE MOST SIMPLISTIC

THINGS AN EXERCISE IN

AGGRAVATION.

I'M TALKING ABOUT LITTLE STUFF

LIKE.

GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

I THINK WHEN YOU GO TO AN ATM

MACHINE IT'S A CERTAIN

DISTANCE YOU SHOULD BE THE HELL

AWAY FROM ME THE WHILE

I'M PUTTING MY PIN CODE IN.

IN NEW YORK Y'ALL LIKE JACKED UP

RIGHT UP ON MY BACK.

I'M LIKE "EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU

GET YOUR PENIS OFF MY BACK?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I REALLY DON'T FEEL GOOD WITH IT

RIGHT IN THE CREASE.

IS THERE ANY WAY YOU COULD

PUT IT ON MY HIP?

I'D FEEL A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY.

ARE WE IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW?

HOW DOES THIS WORK OUT?"

I'M TELLING YOU MAN.

IT IS HARD TO LIVE HERE.

I'M TELLING YOU ALL.

YOU-- YOU-- Y'ALL DON'T REALLY

HAVE LIKE HOMES HERE

OR APARTMENTS.

Y'ALL LITERALLY HAVE LIVING

SPACES HERE.

I MEAN, EVERY APARTMENT

GUARANTEE COMES STANDARD WITH

A STOVE, A REFRIGERATOR,

AND MICE IN YOUR HOUSE.

AND Y'ALL DON'T HAVE NORMAL MICE

EITHER.

JUST RUN ACROSS THE ROOM LIKE

"HEY, THERE'S A MOUSE!"

Y'ALL GOT THESE GANGSTER

TONY SOPRANO MICE.

WITH MACGYVER LIKE ABILITIES

TO GET INTO EVERYTHING YOU OWN.

I-- THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I'M NOT KIDDING ABOUT IT.

I STARTED WORKING OUT AT

THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR.

THAT AIN'T REALLY WORKING.

BUT I'LL TELL Y'ALL ABOUT THAT

LATER.

I BOUGHT THESE PROTEIN BARS.

I PUT 'EM ON TOP OF THE

REFRIGERATOR, RIGHT?

THE MICE CLIMBED UP THE BACK OF

THE REFRIGERATOR.

THEY ATE THE PROTEIN BARS.

NOW I GOT THESE, SUPER STRENGTH,

GENETICALLY ALTERED MICE RUNNING

AROUND MY HOUSE.

MOVING FURNITURE OUT OF THE WAY.

THEY ARE SO MASSIVELY BIG

THEY STEP IN THE GLUE TRAPS

AND WEAR 'EM LIKE FLIP FLOPS

AROUND THE HOUSE.

LIKE, "YOU GOT ANY OTHER

NUTRITIOUS MEALS WE CAN PARTAKE

OF AROUND HERE?"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING

LIKE IT.

AND THEN I'VE DONE SOME DUMB

STUFF, TOO.

'CAUSE Y'ALL DON'T WARN PEOPLE

WHEN THEY MOVE HERE.

LIKE I SOLD MY CAR WHEN I

MOVED HERE, 'CAUSE MY BUDDIES,

YOU KNOW, THEY WERE LIKE

"HEY MAN, YOU DON'T NEED A CAR

HERE.

IT'S A HASSLE.

YOU GET PARKING TICKETS.

AND YOU CAN'T EVEN PARK IT.

AND EVERYTHING ELSE."

AND THEY SAID, "WE GOT THE BEST

MASS TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM

IN THE WHOLE WORLD."

LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT YOUR

ALL LITTLE FUNKY ASS SUBWAY

SYSTEM.

OKAY?

IT GOES EVERYWHERE BUT WHERE YOU

ACTUALLY NEED TO GET TO.

AND THEN THE TRAINS ARBITRARILY

CHANGE INTO OTHER TRAINS IN THE

MIDDLE OF YOUR RIDE.

HAS ANYBODY IN THERE EVER RODE

A NEW YORK SUBWAY AND HEAR THIS

UNINTELLIGIBLE ANNOUNCEMENT,

[MUMBLING PHRASES].

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THIS IS NOW AN AMTRAK--

I'M LIKE, "WHAT?

WHERE'S THAT GOING?

IS THAT GOING LOCAL?"

YOU END UP IN CONNECTICUT

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW YOU

GONNA GET BACK TO TIMES SQUARE.

AND THEN I'M GONNA LET YOU KNOW

SOMETHING.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE

THIS IN MY LIFE.

AND ONLY NEW YORKERS CAN DO

THIS BECAUSE Y'ALL HAVE THIS

SUPER POWER.

Y'ALL ACTUALLY FALL ASLEEP

SITTING ON THE TRAIN.

AND WHEN YOUR STOP COME

BING-BONG, YOU JUST HOP UP AND

WALK OUT.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE, HOW DID HE DO THAT?

I'M TELLING YOU.

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