Chelsea Handler - Birthday Vibrations

  • Season 11 , Ep 13
  • 03/08/2007
  • Views: 35,781

THREE OR FOUR VIBRATORS ONYOUR BIRTHDAY IS KIND OF FUNNY.

IT'S KIND OF FUNNY. ELEVEN, IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE. I MEAN,

HOW MANY DO YOU THINK WE NEED? HOW MANY DO YOU THINK WE NEED?

ALL YOU NEED IS ONE GOOD ONETHAT WORKS, OKAY?

UNLESS THEY CAME OUTWITH A NEW ONE THAT CAN ALSO MAKE DRINKS,

ALL YOU NEED IS ONE.

I GOT 11 VIBRATORS FOR MY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR.

DO MY GIRLFRIENDS THINK I'M AT HOME DOUBLE-TEAMING MYSELF?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I GOT A VIBRATOR THAT NEEDEDTWO NINE-VOLT BATTERIES.

WHAT AM I? R2-D2? I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE DATING A GUY AND THEY MAKE UP SOME SILLY EXCUSE

ABOUT WHY THEY DON'T WANT TO DATE YOU ANYMORE,

OR THEY'RE TRYING TO SCARE YOU OFF?

LIKE, I HAVE HERPES-- OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW-- LIKE-- OKAY--NOT SO FAST. SO DO I.

[LAUGHTER]

I WROTE A BOOK CALLED

MY HORIZONTAL LIFE,A COLLECTION OF ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - OH, THANK YOU.

I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T READ IT,BUT THANK YOU.

AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE, OH, YOU KNOW,

YOU NEVER THINK WHEN YOU'RE A LITTLE GIRL THAT,

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA GROW UP AND BE-- WELL, A WHORE.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL I WAS LIKE,

OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA WAIT 'TIL I GO TO COLLEGE TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY.

YOU KNOW-- HAD ALL THESE BIG DREAMS. AND THEN THE THIRD GRADE

JUST ENDED UP BEING SUCH A NUTTY YEAR.

AND I'M SO GLAD I DIDN'T WAIT FOR COLLEGE,

'CAUSE I DIDN'T END UP GETTING ACCEPTED ANYWHERE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY ANYBODY WAITS TO HAVE SEX IN THIS DAY AND AGE.

LIKE, AT THIS POINT, YOU NEED TO FIND OUT

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS ARENA RIGHT AWAY, OKAY?

I DON'T WANT ANY SHRINKY-DINK SURPRISES ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

THE LAST TIME I WAITEDTO HAVE SEX WITH A GUY,

HE SHOWED UP AT MY DOOR WITH BUTT PLUGS AND A FLASHLIGHT.

IT'S LIKE, OKAY,WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT'S UP WITH THE FLASHLIGHT, SIR?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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