Sean Cullen - James Bond

  • Season 6 , Ep 2
  • 04/28/2002
  • Views: 8,547

Bob Dylan could not record a good James Bond theme. (4:18)

SEAN CULLEN>> THE OTHER KIND OF

MOVIE I LOVE IS THE JAMES BOND

FILMS.

I LOVE JAMES BOND.

SEAN CONNERY IS THE BEST

JAMES BOND OF ALL.

IS HE NOT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I AGREE.

I AGREE WITH YOU.

HE'S AN INCREDIBLE MAN.

NOW, UH, I LOVE THE JAMES BOND

MOVIES BECAUSE THE AMAZING

MUSIC.

INCREDIBLE THEMES.

AND ONLY THE FINEST PERFORMERS

GET A CHANCE TO DO A JAMES BOND

THEME.

PEOPLE LIKE, UH, TOM JONES.

PEOPLE LIKE--

YEAH, YEAH.

IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO LOVE

TOM JONES.

TOM JONES--

TINA TURNER.

YEAH, SHE'S AWESOME.

A-HA!

ONLY THE GREATEST BANDS GET A

CHANCE TO DO A JAMES BOND THEME.

IT'S SAD BECAUSE SO MANY

BRILLIANT PERFORMERS HAVE NEVER

DONE ONE.

PEOPLE LIKE NEIL YOUNG.

♪ (GUITAR PLAYS)

♪ JAMES BOND

♪ WITH YOUR FANCY WOMEN

♪ WHO ARE YOU FOOLIN'?

♪ NOBODY

♪ I LIKE FARMS ♪

YOU KNOW, HE THROWS IN THE FARM

IN THERE.

WEIRD.

NEVER DONE ONE.

REM WILL NEVER DO ONE.

♪ HEY, JAMES BOND,

♪ YOU'VE GOT A GUN

♪ YOU SHOT ME IN THE FACE

♪ OW!

♪ OW, THAT HURT

♪ IT REALLY HURT ♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NEVER DONE ONE.

NEVER.

PROBABLY THE SADDEST OF ALL IS

BOB DYLAN WILL NEVER DO ONE.

♪ YOU GOTTA GUN

♪ HAVIN' FUN

♪ EVERYONE

♪ WOULDN'T YOU?

♪ THERE'S A SATELLITE

♪ WITH A LASER BEAN

♪ EVERYBODY RUN

♪ EVERYBODY SCREAM

♪ WOULDN'T YOU?

♪ I KNOW I WOULD ♪

IT'S WEIRD.

THAT'S IT.

IT'S TRUE.

(WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE)

JAMES.

THERE'S NEVER GOING TO BE A

JAMES BOND THEME.

IT'S SAD.

I LOVE THE VILLAINS IN

THE JAMES BONDS FILM.

I WANT TO BE A JAMES BOND

VILLAIN.

ONE DAY.

I WENT AND BOUGHT A SUIT.

THEN I HOPE THE REST WILL COME.

YOU KNOW?

BUT THERE'S TWO PLACES THAT

NEVER HAVE A JAMES BOND VILLAIN.

THEY'RE ALWAYS FROM EASTERN

EUROPE OR SOME CREEPY ENGLISH

GUY.

THERE'S TWO PLACES THAT WOULD

NEVER HAVE A JAMES BOND VILLAIN.

ONE IS AUSTRALIA.

AUSTRALIA WOULD NEVER HAVE A

JAMES BOND VILLAIN BECAUSE OF

THE WAY THEY TALK IS WRONG

FOR EVIL, ISN'T IT?

YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY.

(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)

RIGHT, JAMES!

(LAUGHTER)

I'VE GOT AN EVIL PLAN.

WHAT I'VE DONE IS TAKEN A GIANT

CROCODILE, GOT HIM DRUNK,

AND I'VE FILLED HIM WITH KNIVES!

HOW'S THAT?"

(LAUGHTER)

THE OTHER COUNTRY THAT WILL

NEVER HAVE A JAMES BOND VILLAIN,

BECAUSE OF THE WAY THEY TALK,

IS IRELAND.

(IRISH ACCENT) CHRIST, JAMES,

I'VE CAPTURED YA.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

BUT I'VE GOT A SELECTION OF

BISCUITS THERE FOR YA AND SOME

TEA.

YOU JUST MAKE YOURSELF

COMFORTABLE, I'LL TELL YOU ALL

ABOUT MY EVIL PLAN.

AND YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT.

IT'S A LOVELY, EVIL PLAN.

I'VE THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT IT

AND I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE

EXCELLENT.

HERE'S THE IDEA.

WHAT I'VE DONE, YOU'LL LOVE IT.

WHAT I'VE DONE IS I'VE GOT THIS

GIANT SATELLITE, RIGHT?

BUT IT'S MADE OUT OF WOOL.

IT'S LIKE A BIG, WHITE WOOLY

JUMPER, WOOLY SWEATER.

OH, IT'S LOVELY.

MY AUNT KNIT IT FOR US.

AND A BIG SATELLITE, AND, WELL,

IF YOU GET INSIDE IT,

IT'S TOASTY WARM.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

ON A COLD DAY, YOU SIT IN THAT

SATELLITE YOU'RE WARM AS TOAST.

YOU LOVE IT.

ANYWAY, DON'T GET IT WET,

DON'T LEAVE IT OUT IN THE RAIN

OR IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO LAUNCH.

IT'S VERY HEAVY.

YOU CAN'T GET IT OFF THE GROUND.

THEN, SO, WE'VE GOT THIS

SATELLITE, AND, AH, RIGHT,

WE FILL IT, WITH VERY POOR

QUALITY CHOCOLATES.

VERY POOR QUALITY CHOCOLATES.

WAXY, CRUMBLY CHOCOLATES.

NOT NICE AT ALL.

AND WE FILL IT ALL UP.

AND THEN WE SHOOT IT INTO SPACE,

AND IT GOES AROUND THE EARTH

FOR AWHILE, AND THEN THE ORBIT

DECAYS AND IT DROPS TO EARTH

AND SMASHES ON THE GROUND

AND ALL THE CHOCOLATES BURST OUT

AND ALL THE LITTLE SCHOOL

CHILDREN COME RUNNING OVER

AND THEY PICK UP THE CHOCOLATE

AND THEY TRY THE CHOCOLATE

AND THEY GO, "MY, THAT'S A

REALLY POOR QUALITY CHOCOLATE."

(LAUGHTER)

AND SO A GENERAL MALAISE SPREADS

THROUGHOUT THE WORLD THAT BOILS.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S MY EVIL PLAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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