Thank you very much!
-(audience chanting "Larry!")-Welcome to The Nightly Show.
Aw, thank you very much.
Friends, calm down.
We don't have a lot of time,you guys.
Old Lives Matter--remember that.
We found that out. Thank you.
Thank you, ma'am.She's right. She's, like...
I got it so wrong.
Well, all lives matter.It was...
"I said 'Old Lives Matter,'Larry!"
Come here early--you'll find out what's going on.
Uh... of course,there's a lot of...
big convention newsto talk about, you guys,
so let's see what's happenin'with the Unblackenin'.
Wow. So Hillary Clinton
officially acceptedthe Democratic nomination
for president tonight,
and we taped this beforeshe officially accepted it,
so... I don't know, there'sstill a chance she didn't.
You know, right? I don't knowHillary that well, you guys.
Guys, there's stilla .000000009% chance
she doesn't wantto be president. I don't know.
Don't tell me, don't tell mewhat happened. No spoilers.
Okay. We'll have more on thattomorrow, I promise.
But the convention started offlast night
in the same way, um,I start off every morning--
uh, with somegood old-fashioned Trump slams.
Donald Trump issuch a moral disaster.
The richest thing aboutDonald Trump is his hypocrisy.
The Donald is not reallya plans guy.
He has no clueabout what makes America great.
Actually, he has no clue,period.
I got one, I got one, I got one!
Uh, he's stupid.
I got another one.He's still stupid.
Okay. But the slams weren'tjust coming from the stage,
they were also going at the stage.
For example, look whathappened to Leon Panetti...
Leon Panetta-- sorry.Not to be confused
with his panini-making cousin,Leon Panera, so...
You got to try his bread bowls,though-- they're unbelievable.
...dictators, from SaddamHussein to Vladimir Putin.
(chanting): No more war!No more war! No more...
Yeah, so... Yeah, the crowdwas yelling, "No more war."
Now, the audience apparentlywasn't happy with Panetta,
because, as former CIA directorand defense secretary,
many of the progressivesblame him for, you know,
escalating drone strikes,such as the one
that was recently responsiblefor the deaths
of at least 73 innocent peoplein Syria.
All right,let's get back to the fun stuff.
Well, Joe Biden, in a momentof uncensored anger,
let out an expletive
that somehow was not bleepedby the network.
He cares about the middle class?
Give me a break!
That's a bunch of malarkey!
-(laughter, gasps)-Oh! Wha...?
He said the M-word!
How am I supposedto explain that to my kids, Joe?
Or anybody who wasn't bornbefore 1920. Hmm?
But the speech of the nightbelonged to President Obama,
who did his typicalsoaring rhetoric.
You saw that? With the... withthe call-and-response, right?
Though some of the responsesto the call was a little odd.
And that's why we cantake the food and music
and holidays and stylesof other countries
and blend it into somethinguniquely our own.
What kind of...
How much do you want to bea part of this speech?
"Like gumbo, right,Mr. President? Like gumbo.
We're on the same page."
You're not doing the speechwith him, calm down.
But Obama did more thandescribe Cajun seafood stews.
He also reminded themof a very important task.
And then there's Donald Trump...
Don't boo. Vote.
Although I have to say--"don't boo"?
Um, I'll tell youwho won't like that-- ghosts.
In fact, we've just received--I'm not making this up--
we've just received a formalstatement from ghosts.
But Obama made it clear to theaudience, uh, how he really felt
about his bestie,Hillary Clinton.
I can say with confidencethere has never been
a man or a woman--
not me, not Bill, nobody--
more qualifiedthan Hillary Clinton
to serve as president
of the United States of America.
-(cheering, applause)-Man. Whew.
Move over, Gayle King,
'cause Hillary officiallyhas the best black friend ever.
Oh, you know.Right, that's Oprah.