Sandra Bernhard - "The Tonight Show"

Season 1 , Ep 0155 02/24/92 Views: 801

When Michele Lee weaves a tale, you wish she wouldn't. (3:23)

WITH THE LATE LUCILLE BALL-- GODBLESS HER-- AND MICHELE LEE.

I WAS THIRD ON THE COUCH.

I COULD BARELY HEARTHE CONVERSATION.

I WAS CRANING TO HEARTHE DAMN THING, BUT I LOVED IT.

LUCY WAS SITTINGBETWEEN ME AND MICHELE.

MICHELE STARTED TELLING JOHNNY

THIS LONG, DRAWN-OUT,HIDEOUS STORY

LIKE, YOU KNOW,ONLY MICHELE CAN DO.

MICHELE IS A GREAT TALENT

BUT WHEN SHE WEAVES A TALE,YOU WISH SHE'D KNOCK IT OFF.

SO SHE'S GOING ON AND ON.

LUCILLE BENDS FORWARD, SHE GOES,"YOU'RE LOSING THEM, KID."

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT.

THE DRESS, THE NIGHT,THE VIBE, THE ENERGY--

IT REMINDS ME OF THE GREAT,LATE LUCILLE BALL.

OH, YEAH!

( generous applause )

YOU KNOW.

THEY DON'T MAKE THEMLIKE LUCY ANYMORE.

DID YOU COME INWITH THE QUEEN LATIFAH PARTY?

OH, QUEEN LATIFAH!

QUEEN LATIFAH'S TIREDOF DEALING WITH THIS CRAP.

QUEEN LATIFAH'S BURNED OUT,QUEEN LATIFAH'S EXHAUSTED.

SHE'S DYING TO GET OUT.

DID I TELL YOUMY NAME IS QUEEN LATIFAH?

THEY DON'T KNOWQUEEN LATIFAH HERE.

YOU ARE WORKING THAT LOOK.

THAT NATURAL BLONDE HAIRIS TURNING IT OUT.

( laughter )

NO, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL,WE LOVE YOU.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

RHONDA.

I KNEW A RHONDA IN HIGH SCHOOLWHO WAS VERY BITCHY TO ME.

SHE DIDN'T HAVE A RINGIN HER NOSE.

MAYBE THAT WAS THE PROBLEM.

SHE WAS EXTREMELY WASPYAND ADOPTED AND HATED ME.

WHAT CAN YOU DO, YOU KNOW?

SHE WAS JUST POOR, WHITE TRASH

BUT SHE WAS ADOPTEDBY A RICH FAMILY

AND STARTED ADOPTINGTHE WHOLE ATTITUDE

AND I COULDN'T DEAL WITH IT.

THAT WAS ANOTHERLIFETIME AGO, YO.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU,WEARING BLACK IN THE SUMMER

AND JUST ALL... THE PERFECTLITTLE 90130 BEVERLY HILLS?

THEY COULD HAVE MADE YOU...ANYBODY A STAR.

YOU JUST WERE IN THE WRONG PLACEAT THE RIGHT TIME.

YOU WEREN'T THERE;YOU DIDN'T LINE UP.

ANY CUTE GUY COULD HAVEBEEN A STAR ON THAT SHOW.

LUKE... WHAT IS HIS STORY,LUKE PERRY?

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

YOU'RE NOT BUYING ITFOR ONE MINUTE, I KNOW.

LUKE WHO?

TWO YEARS FROM NOW-- WHO?

YOU KNOW HOW ROLLING STONEEVERY TEN YEARS

DOES "WHERE ARE THEY NOW?"

WELL, WHERE WERE THEY THEN?

( laughter and applause )

JESUS!

YOU KNOW, AND NOW THEY'REALL POSING IN THEIR UNDERPANTS.

MARKY MARK, LUKE, THEY'RE ALLIN THESE LITTLE BRIEFS.

IT'S LIKE,"PUT THE PANTS BACK ON.

THE SCHLONG IS NOTIMPRESSING ME, I'M SORRY."

I DON'T LIKE A GUY, YOU KNOW

EITHER, NUMBER ONE, IN THEIRUNDERPANTS AND NOTHING ELSE

OR IN LIKE... I SAW SOME GUYIN SWEAT PANTS-- HE WAS FRENCH--

DIRTY WHITE SWEAT PANTS.

AND HIS SCHWANZ RIGHT THEREBOUNCING UP AGAINST IT.

I DON'T NEED THIS.

IT WAS PROBABLY UNCIRCUMCISED.

IT WAS... TWO INCHESFROM MY FACE.

DIRTY AND BAREFOOT IN MY HOUSEON MY NEW RUG.

I ALMOST FAINTED.

I WAS LIKE LOOKING

"IF HE WALKS ON MY RUG BAREFOOT,I'M GOING TO THROW UP."

HE DID.

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