FOLKS, THE NEW YORK TIMES IS NOWREPORTING THAT THERE

WERE FIXED SOCCER MATCHESLEADING UP TO THE 2010

WORLD CUP, BUT I DON'T BELIEVETHAT SOCCER IS FIXED

BECAUSE NOTHING CAN FIX THATGAME.

THIS IS THE SPORT REPORT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FIRST NEXT, WHEN IT COMES TOINTERNATIONAL SPORT NO ONE

TAKES IT MORE SERIOUSLY THANOUR ENEMIES IN NORTH KOREA.

TO THEM, EVERY GAME IS "THEHUNGER GAMES."

AND NOW, THEIR ATHLETES COULDBECOME KIM JONG UN-BEATABLE.

>> A NEW SPORTS DRINK ISCLAIMING TO ENHANCE PHYSICAL

ABILITY AND SPEED RECOVERY ANDIT'S ALL DUE TO THE MIRACLE

INGREDIENT-- MUSHROOM FUNGUS.

>> NORTH KOREAN SCIENTISTS SAYTHE DRINK IS VERY EFFECTIVE.

>> Stephen: YES, NORTH KOREAHAS DEVELOPED A MUSHROOM-BASED

SPORTS DRINK, WHICH BRINGS ME TOTHE FIRST-EVER INSTALLMENT OF

SPORT REPORT - SPORE REPORT.

WHERE ATHLETES--( APPLAUSE )

WHERE ATHLETES AND FUNGUS COMETOGETHER AND FOR ONCE, NOT IN

THEIR JOCKS.

ACCORDING TO THE KOREAN CENTRALNEWS AGENCY, D.P.R.K. SCIENTISTS

HAVE "SUCCEEDED IN FINDING THEWAY TO CULTIVATE MUSHROOM FUNGUS

AND MADE A FUNCTIONAL DRINK.

THIS NATURAL DRINK IS VERYEFFECTIVE IN ENHANCING

PHYSICAL ABILITIES OF SPORTSPERSONS AND RECOVERING FROM

THEIR FATIGUES."

ENHANCING SPORTS PERSONS ANDRECOVERING FROM FATIGUES.

THAT IS A ONE-TWO PUNCHING WECAN'T BE OF COMPETITION TOWARDS.

NEED MORE PROOF NORTH KOREA ISSHII-TAKING THIS

MUSHROOM PROGRAM SERIOUSLY?

LOOK AT THIS PHOTO OF KIMJONG-UN.

IT'S HARD TO SAY WHERE THEMUSHROOMS END AND HIS HAIRCUT

BEGINS. NOW LUCKILY FOR US, ONEAMERICAN COMPANY ALREADY

HAS A POTENT MUSHROOM-BASEDSPORTS DRINK-- IT'S CAMPBELL'S.

THEIR CREAM OF MUSHROOMSOUP REALLY HELPS

REPLENISH YOUR BODY'S NATURALSOUPS.

CAMPBELL'S, IF YOU'RE SMART,YOU'LL RENAME THIS THIRST

QUENCHER, CAMPBELL'S NEWSPORT-O-BELLOW.

THAT SMELLS LIKE VICTORY, AND ALITTLE LIKE A FRESHLY DUG GRAVE.

SECOND NEXT UP, FOLKS, I LOVEFOOTBALL.

I D.V.R. EVERY GAME, AND SO DOTHE PLAYERS BECAUSE IT'S THE

ONLY WAY THEY CAN REMEMBER WHATHAPPENED.

THAT'S WHY I'M SO DISGUSTED BYTHE BETRAYAL CURRENTLY

PLAYING OUT IN THE NFL WHEREOVER 500 FORMER PLAYERS HAVE

JOINED A LAWSUIT AGAINST THELEAGUE THAT MADE THEM FAMOUS AND

DRUG ADDICTED INVALIDS. A NEWLAWSUIT ALLEGES NFL TEAMS AND

THEIR DOCTORS KNOWINGLY GAVEPLAYERS AN ARRAY OF PRESCRIPTION

DRUGS AND PAIN KILLERS FOR YEARSAND YEARS WITHOUT ANY REGARD FOR

THE LONG-TERM DAMAGE.

>> FORMER FOOTBALL PLAYERS BYTHE HUNDREDS CLAIM THE LEAGUE

ILLEGALLY DRUGGED THEM TO MAKESURE THEY COULD STAY IN THE

GAME.

IN MANY CASES DID NOT EVEN TELLTHEM WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THEM.

>> OUR PLAYERS WERE SHOT UP LIKECATTLE.

THEY WERE BROUGHT TO MARKET, ANDTHEN DISCARDED LIKE PIECES OF

MEAT.

>> Stephen: WHAT ANEXAGGERATION.

AMERICA'S CATTLE ARE GIVEN FARFEWER DRUGS.

AND OH, WHAT WONDERFUL PAINKILLING DRUGS THEY WERE.

IT WAS LIKE WILLY WONKA AND THEEVER-LASTING THROB STUFFERS.

NOT ONLY DID YOU HAVE PERCODAN,PERCOCET, VICODIN, BUT ALSO

AMBIEN.

SO IF YOU EVER THOUGHT THE JETSLOOKED LIKE THEY WERE ASLEEP OUT

THERE, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT REALLY SADDENS ME--( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

HUGE FANS OF THE JETS ORNARCOTICS OUT HERE TONIGHT.

WHAT REALLY SADDENS ME, FOLKS,IS THREE OF THE PLAINTIFFS ARE

MEMBERS OF MY BELOVED 1985 SUPERBOWL CHAMPION CHICAGO BEARS WHO

I SHOULD'VE KNOWN WERE JACKEDON SOMETHING WHEN THEY MADETHIS.

>> (RAPPING) WE'RE NOT HERE TOSTART NO TROUBLE.

WE'RE JUST HERE TO DO THE SUPERBOWL SHUFFLE

>> Stephen: HOW COULD YOUSUE THE NFL?

YOU GAVE YOUR WORD YOU WEREN'THERE TO START NO TROUBLE.

NEXT, FINALLY, THE OLYMPICS.

FOLKS, THE SUMMER GAMES ARE JUSTTWO YEARS AWAY IN RIO DE

JANEIRO, THE PERFECT CITY TOCARRY ON THE SPIRIT OF THE FIRST

OLYMPICS BECAUSE EVERYONE THEREIS ALREADY OILED UP AND NAKED.

( LAUGHTER )AND, FOLKS, EXCITEMENT IS

BUILDING IN RIO.

IN FACT, THAT MIGHT BE THE ONLYTHING THAT'S BUILDING.

>> HOST CITY RIO DE JANEIRO ISSO FAR BEHIND IN ITS

PREPARATIONS.

>> THE PROJECT IS FACINGUNPRECEDENTED DELAYS.

>> ROADS GOING NOWHERE,UNFINISHED STANDS.

AND AN AWFUL LOT OF CONSTRUCTIONWORK STILL TO DO.

>> THE TOP OLYMPICS OFFICIAL ISSLAMMING PREPARATIONS FOR THE

2016 GAMES IN RIO, CALLING THEMTHE WORST HE'S EXPERIENCED IN

NEARLY 40 YEARS.

>> Stephen: THE WORST EVEREXPERIENCED.

AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHINGBECAUSE THERE ARE STILL SOME

OLYMPIC ATHLETES TRAPPED INTHEIR SOCHI HOTEL BATHROOMS.

BUT, FOLKS, THERE IS ONE EVENTTHAT WILL BE MORE AFFECTED BY

THE DELAYS THAN ANY OTHER--SAILING.

BECAUSE RIO'S GUANABARA BAY ISSO FILLED WITH RAW SEWAGE AND

GARBAGE, THAT ONE SAILOR'SDINGHY CRASHED INTO WHAT HE

BELIEVED WAS A PARTLY SUBMERGEDSOFA.

AND ANOTHER ONE ENCOUNTEREDHUMAN CORPSES ON FOUR OCCASIONS

WHILE SAILING IN THE BAY.

FOUR CORPSES, FOLKS.

THAT'S BAD.

THE SOFA ONLY HOLDS THREE.

( LAUGHTER )WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.