Sandra Bernhard - Diets

Colin Quinn & John Mcdowell Season 1, Ep 0144 02/24/1992 Views: 2,062

Sandra is not giving up dairy. (2:00)

THE WHOLE COMEDY SCENE.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE TO DO.

IT'S GOING TO BEVERY EXCITING IN A...

( sighs )

I WISH I WAS JUST ON AJENNY CRAIG DIET OR SOMETHING

BUT FORTUNATELY,I DON'T NEED TO BE--

ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE INLOS ANGELES WHO ISN'T ON A DIET.

I'M JUST TRYING TO STAYTHE SAME WEIGHT I AM RIGHT NOW.

THESE WEIRD DIETS,I DON'T GET IT.

LIKE HIGH PROTEINVERSUS LOW FAT--

IT'S, LIKE, I DON'T CARE,I JUST WANT TO EAT.

GIVE ME LOTS OF GREASYFRIED FOODS, YOU KNOW?

SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T STANDTHESE DIETS-- IT'S INSANE.

AND EVERYBODY SAYSYOU CAN'T EAT CHEESE.

"CHEESE IS, YOU KNOW,BULL...., MAN.

IT'LL GIVE YOU, LIKE, PHLEGM."

OH, PLEASE.

( laughter )

"DAIRY IS BAD FOR YOU."

IT'S LIKE, I'M JEWISH,OF COURSE I WANT MY DAIRY.

I WANT MY CREAMED HERRING,I WANT MY CREAM CHEESE ON BAGEL.

I'M SORRY,I'M NOT GIVING UP DAIRY

SO, YOU KNOW,YOU CAN KISS MY BUTT.

THEY'RE TOO MUCH WITH THAT.

LIKE IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

A POUND HERE, A POUND THERE,WHO CARES?

MOST PEOPLE LOOK BETTER FAT--THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE.

ESPECIALLY MOST WOMEN.

THEY TORTURE WOMEN WHO ARE FAT,BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF THEY LOST WEIGHT,THEY'D LOOK TERRIBLE.

WHO LOST WEIGHT? WHAT'SHER NAME, THE DAYTIME, UM...

OPRAH! IS SHE THIN AGAIN?I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH HER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE BOTHERS--IT'S SO EXHAUSTING.

SHE MUST JUST HATE HERSELF

DEALING WITH THOSE DIETSALL THE TIME.

YOU KNOW SHE'S HAPPIERWHEN SHE'S FAT

AND WE'RE HAPPIER FOR HERWHEN SHE'S FAT.

SO EAT, OPRAH, AND ENJOY.

AND DON'T WORRY ABOUTWHAT ANYBODY THINKS OF YOU.

STEDMAN WILL STAY BY YOUR SIDE,IT DOESN'T MATTER.

STEDMAN.

THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

ALMOST AS BEAUTIFULAS THIS CROWD TONIGHT

OUT HERE IN SANTA MONICA.

IT'S A GREAT CROWD,AND WE LOVE YOU.

( cheering )

WE LOVE YOU AND WE NEED YOUTONIGHT, SO, YOU KNOW