Demetri Martin - Live Nude Girls

Demetri Martin: Standup Comedian 09/29/2012 Views: 17,817

Demetri Martin wonders if the "Live Nude Girls" sign he saw on the highway really needed to be that specific. (2:22)

Watch Full Episode

I was driving down the highwayand I saw a sign that said,

"Live nude girls,"and I was thinking,

"You probablydon't need the 'live.'"

I wasn't even thinkingabout the girls' mortality

until you brought it up.

"Dead nude girls."

"Pull over, man.I'm feeling kind of curious."

"Injured nude girls.""Ooh.

"That's perfect.

"They're still alive,but they can't get away.

Let's go there."

Just a girl in a wheelchair.[laughs]

She's got an IV bag and stuff.Oh.

"Now on the ICU stage,Amber."

I was eating some pizza, andI burnt the roof of my mouth,

and then I thought,"Wait a minute,

"this is the ceilingof my mouth.

"The roof of my mouthis up here.

My head architectureis all messed up..."

Thoughtthe attic of my mouth.

I wish my smoke detectorhad a fajita setting on it.

So when I'm cooking,it's like,

"Boop, boop--[sniffs]Oh, hold up, these are fajitas.

"Let's notbe an [BLEEP] here.

"This is totally fine.

"Let's not make him get upon a stool with a magazine

in front of this girlhe's trying to cook for."

Why is it that peoplewho can eat really spicy food

think that the rest of usgive a [BLEEP]?

I can eat really doughy food,but I don't brag about it

when we sit downfor dinner.

"Yo, can you eat doughy food?

"'Cause I can eatthe doughiest white bread.

You have no idea how chewy--"

One thing I learned is thatit's never okay

to walk through a cemeterydressed as a mummy,

even if that was just,like, a shortcut

on the wayto the costume party.

That is never appreciated.