Jeff Ross - George Washington Roast

Season 1 , Ep 0108 08/03/98 Views: 5,735

Talk about a star-spangled boner. (4:04)

>> Ross: I don't want

to get old.

Here's the proof that I'm

getting old.

Some of you can back me up.

I went to Tower Records

the other night to try to buy a

new needle for my record player.

I might as well have said,

"Excuse me.

Do you good men sell

cannonballs?

I'm fresh out o' cannonballs

for ye olde cannon back home.

Come on.

I ain't got all fortnight.

The British are coming!"

>> Ladies and gentlemen,

I hope you enjoyed your lunch.

Mr. President, everything was

delicious?

>> Hear, hear.

>> As I introduce our first

roaster, I can't help but wonder

to myself "Who cancelled?"

[sting punctuates joke]

Let's have a big forefather

welcome to Jeffrey Ross.

[applause]

>> Ross: Thank you, Senator.

Nice to see you back in men's

clothes.

This is exciting.

How are you, Mr. President?

Look at this.

I've seen younger faces

on money.

All kidding aside,

Mr. President, this is great.

You're here laughing your butt

off and Martha's at home

getting her fields plowed

by the house boy.

Right now he's knee deep

in Martha's vineyard,

if you catch my drift.

In all seriousness,

Mr. President, I feel uniquely

qualified to be here this

afternoon because I, too,

cannot tell a lie.

I voted for McGovern.

[sting]

Sam Adams is here.

How are you, Sam?

I didn't recognize you

without a beer.

To the king of England.

[spitting]

Thomas Jefferson's here.

Tom, how are you, sir?

Tom would have brought a date

this afternoon, folks, but her

master wouldn't let her off.

Guy gets more ass

than an outhouse.

You know what, Tom?

You're a very striking man.

May I strike you?

I see the great Geronimo

is here.

How are you doing, Gerry?

>> Yeah, man.

>> Ross: Didn't recognize you

indoors.

[sniffs] Whew.

Little known fact, folks,

Geronimo's an old Indian word

meaning future casino owner.

And did your people do this

to Ben Franklin's head?

I kid you, Ben.

I love you, Ben Franklin.

Keep it going for the band

everybody: Salem's Lot.

[sting]

>> Thanks, Jeff.

I just want to let all you

settlers know we're also

available for weddings,

bar mitzvahs, witch drownings.

>> Revolutions.

>> Tea parties.

[hysterical laughter]

>> Ross: Take a break, fellas.

Francis Scott Key is here.

How are you, Frankie?

I'm a big fan of all your song.

Frankie's what's known in

show business as a one-anthem

wonder.

[laughter]

Keep it going for your slaves,

everybody.

Workin' hard.

>> Hey, Ross.

I slept with your sister, Betsy.

>> Ross: You too?

Who didn't?

Betsy, enough with the flags

already.

How about some mitten

or a sweater?

The troops are freezing.

Now let's talk about the

president's legendary penis

size.

Talk about a star-spangled

boner.

Folks, George Washington's penis

is so big, it should declare

its own independence.

George Washington's cherry tree

is so big, it crossed the

Delaware before he did.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm standing on it.

Put it away, Mr. President.

Folks, George Washington's penis

is so big, it wears a wig

on its head.

God bless you.

God bless America.

Stay free.

[cheers and applause]

My favorite band in high school

was The Clash.

Remember The Clash?

All right, so they had this one

song early on that my boys

and I used to use as our little

greeting to each other.

We thought we were cool.

It was called Stay Free.

We'd be like, "Hey, man.

Stay free."

Then one day out of nowhere,

it became a feminine hygiene

product.

We couldn't use it anymore.

And we were like, "Hey, man.

You know."

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