AT THIS POINT, SHOULD EXPLAIN
TO YOU AT THIS POINT WHAT IS
HAPPENING ON TOP OF MY HEAD
AS WE CURRENTLY SPEAK.
THIS IS DAY 14 OF MY HEAD
HELD HOSTAGE BY THIS GOD-AWFUL
HAIRCUT.
(LAUGHTER)
REASON BEING.
TWO WEEKS AGO TODAY, I TRIED
TO CUT MY OWN HAIR.
UM-HMM, JACKASS!
(LAUGHTER)
HERE'S WHY I TRIED TO CUT MY OWN
HAIR.
MY NECK HAIR GROWS FASTER THEN
THE REST OF THE HAIR ON MY HEAD.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
THIS IS GOING TO TAKE SIX MONTHS
TO GROW OUT.
THIS IS TOM JONES IN 48 HOURS.
YEAH, HAPPY OR NOTHING.
IN TWO DAYS, I CAN HANG
ORNAMENTS OFF MY NECK HERE IN
DECEMBER.
THAT'S HOW THICK IT GETS.
SO I THOUGHT, TO SAVE MYSELF
FROM GETTING A HAIRCUT EVERY
4 1/2 HOURS...
(LAUGHTER)
I WOULD START TO CUT MY OWN NECK
HAIR.
SO, TWO WEEKS AGO I'M WALKING
AROUND TARGET...
WHICH IS A BOUTIQUE IN
LOS ANGELES.
(APPLAUSE)
I'M WALKING AROUND TARGET;
I'M IN THE COSMETICS SECTION.
WHICH IS MY BUSINESS, NONE OF
YOURS.
AND I DISCOVERED THERE'S A WHOLE
WALL OF HAIRCUTTING EQUIPMENT.
WHICH MEANS, I'M NOT THE ONLY
IDIOT THAT THOUGHT THAT THIS
WAS A GOOD IDEA.
SO, I PICK ONE OF THE
HAIRCUTTING KITS OUT.
IT'S ON SALE FOR $15 AND I GOT
THAT KIND OF MONEY ON ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?
OH, YEAH, YOU DON'T WALK AROUND
A BOUTIQUE LIKE THAT WITHOUT
15 CLAMS IN YOUR POCKET.
YEAH, WHAT DO YOU NEED THREE
FIVES?
DONE.
(LAUGHTER)
FIVE AND A TEN?
INSIDE POCKET.
TWO FIVES AND A FIVE?
CAN DO.
(LAUGHTER)
OH, SLOW THE HELL DOWN.
TWO TIMES FIVE IS TEN PLUS
FIVE-- SON OF A GUN, FIFTEEN.
THERE IT IS.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I BUY IT.
I BRING IT HOME.
I PLUG IT IN.
I USE THE ELECTRICITY RIGHT
THERE AT MY HOUSE.
YEAH, MY PLACE HAS IT.
ALL I WANT TO DO GUYS IS CLEAN
UP THE NECK.
THAT'S THE GAME PLAN HERE.
THAT'S WHY I GOT THE OVERHEAD
PROJECTOR OUT THE FLOW CHART.
THE COLORED PENCILS.
ALL I WANT TO DO IS THE NECK.
I'VE GOT A RULER OUT.
HEY, I'VE GOT A COMPASS INVOLVED
FOR NO REASON.
ALL I WANT TO DO IS THE NECK.
SO, HERE WE GO.
PLUGGED IN POWER ON, HERE WE GO.
ZZZZZZZ...
THREE SWIPES.
THE HAT TRICK.
DONE DEAL.
SO SIMPLE SO EASY.
I ACTUALLY WENT, YOU KNOW WHAT?