Das Negros

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 02/14/2012
  • Views: 100,606

In 1942 Germany, a Nazi colonel shows up to investigate two escaped Negros. (5:05)

[doorbell rings]

- [German accent] HEIL HITLER.

MY NAME IS COLONELHANS MULLER OF THE S.S.

AS YOU KNOW, WE WERECOMBING THE AREA FOR JEWS.

BUT IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTIONTHAT TWO NEGROES HAVE ESCAPED,

AND ARE HIDING OUTIN THIS AREA AS WELL.

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW

ANYTHING ABOUT THIS,NOW, WOULD YOU?

- UH, NO.NO NEGROES HERE. MM-MM.

- UH, NEGROES? EW.[chuckles]

HELL NO.

- AND, UM,WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?

- LEROY...

HEIMER.

LEROYHEIMERIS MY LAST NAME,

AND MY FIRST NAMEIS VERY GERMAN,

AND THAT IS BECAUSEIT IS HEINRICH.

SO, MY NAMEIS HEINRICH LEROYHEIMER.

- AND I AM BARON HELMUT...

SCHNITZELNAZI.

- WELL.

ARE YOU GOING TOINVITE ME IN?

- OF COURSE!- YEAH, COME ON IN!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,ABSOLUTELY.

- PLEASE, GENTLEMEN,SIT DOWN.

NOW...

AS YOU KNOW, THE NEGRO,NOT UNLIKE THE JEW,

CAN BE A VERYTRICKY CREATURE.

OH, THAT'S FUN.

WE HAVE DEVELOPEDMANY TESTS TO DETERMINE

IF AN INDIVIDUALIS, IN FACT,

AN ACTUAL NEGRO.

IT'S VERY SCIENTIFIC.

LIKE WHEN WE THROW THE BEANSUP AGAINST THE HOMOSEXUALS

TO SEE IFTHE BEANS EXPLODE.

- YEAH, UH...

WHAT KIND OF TESTS?

- IT'S INTERESTINGTHAT YOU WOULD ASK ME THAT.

WOULD YOU MIND IF I...

REMOVED YOUR HAT?

SO THAT I CANMEASURE YOUR HEAD.

THE NEGRO HEAD,INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH,

ONLY COMESIN THE HALF SIZES.

IT'S ONE OF THE MANY INTERESTINGTHINGS ABOUT THE NEGRO HEAD.

HMM.

EVERYTHINGSEEMS IN ORDER.

both: [exhale]

- WELL,NO NEGRO HEADS HERE.

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,THOUGH.

IF A NEGRO HEADCAME IN HERE,

IT WOULD FIND ITSELFDETACHED FROM ITS NEGRO BODY.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT,RIGHT HERE.

[chuckles]AM I RIGHT?

- THIS IS VERY,VERY GOOD.

BUT THERE ARE SO MANYEXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE,

WHICH IS WHYIT'S SO IMPORTANT

THAT WE HAVE A TESTWHICH IS FOOL-PROOF.

- UH, M-M-M-MORE TESTS?

- YOU KNOW,HUNTING THE NEGROES ALL DAY,

YOU REALLY BUILD UP AN APPETITE,DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

CAN I INTEREST YOU TWO

IN SOME DELICIOUS BEETS?

INTERESTING.

THE NEGROCANNOT RESIST THE BEET.

IT IS DRAWN TO ITLIKE FLIES TO SCHEISSE.

WELL, GENTLEMEN.

IT APPEARS I HAVEWASTED YOUR TIME.

I'LL BE ON MY WAY.

- [exhales]

- JUST ONE MORE THING.

I'M CURIOUS AS TOHOW YOU FEEL ABOUT...

THIS CAT TOY!

JIGGLEDY, JIGGLEDY!

NOTHING?

WELL, THAT'S EMBARRASSING.

I'M SORRYFOR BOTHERING YOU.

YOU TWO ARE OBVIOUSLYNOT NEGROES.

both: [laugh]

- OF COURSEWE'RE NOT NEGROES.

- THIS IS A NO-NEGRO ZONE.

- THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

- AIN'T NO THANG.

- HERR LEROYHEIMER.

OH, THAT'S NEW.

BARON SCHNITZELNAZI.

- WHAT'S GOIN' ON?OH, HEIL HITLER.

- I'LL WAIT FOR YOU HERE.THERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT.

BY THE WAY...[clears throat]

ARE YOU, BY CHANCE,

RELATED TO THE DUSSELDORFSCHNITZELNAZIS?

- YES, I AM.

- HOW'S YOUR AUNT FRIDA?

- AUNT FRIDA? SHE...

IS STILL...

FAT?

- I DON'T RECALLHER BEING FAT.

BUT WHO LOOKS LIKE THEY DIDIN COLLEGE ANYWAY, AM I RIGHT?

- NOT ME. NOT ME. NOT ME.- NOT THIS ONE, EITHER.

- 'CAUSE I WAS A--YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

- WELL, GUTEN TAG.- [laughs] ALL RIGHT.

- OH, GUTENBERG!

[engine starts]

[car drives away]

- WHEW.MAN, THAT WAS CLOSE.

WHOO. WE GOTTAGET OUTTA HERE, MAN.

WE--

- HE LEFT THE CAT TOY, MAN!- UH-UH.

- HE LEFT IT!- UH-UH.

- [laughs] OH!

OH! [giggles]

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