Jackie Kashian - Salesman Father

  • Season 7 , Ep 4
  • 02/27/2003
  • Views: 2,974

It would drive Jackie's father nuts when she had to sell stuff for school. (3:26)

HE SOLD EVERYTHING, TOUPEES,

MAUSOLEUM CRYPTS, BUT MOSTLY

ALUMINUM SIDING.

YES, MY FATHER SELLS ALUMINUM

SIDING.

AND THE TRIUMPH OF MY FATHER'S

ALUMINUM-SIDING CAREER IS THAT

THERE IS A BRICK HOUSE IN

SOUTH MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN

THAT HAS ALUMINUM SIDING ON IT.

HOUSE MADE OUT OF BRICK.

HOW DID HE MAKE THAT SALE?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK HIM,

HE'LL TELL YOU.

"YOU SHOULD A HEARD THE PITCH.

I JUST KEPT TELLIN' THIS GUY--

LOW MAINTENANCE,

LOW MAINTENANCE, LOW MAINT--

BRICK WILL CHIP!"

AND I WAS LIKE, "DAD, WAS THAT

FAIR?"

AND WITHOUT MISSIN' A BEAT,

HE'S LIKE, "WHAT AM I, SANTA?

AM I GANDHI?

AM I SOME KIND OF SOCIAL WORKER?

I GOT OVERHEAD," 'CAUSE THAT'S

WHAT HE USED TO CALL US KIDS.

(LAUGHTER)

HE LOVED--

IT WOULD DRIVE HIM NUTS WHEN

WE SOLD STUFF FOR SCHOOL,

BECAUSE WE WEREN'T MAKING ANY

MONEY.

BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO INTERFERE.

WE NEEDED TO LEARN HOW TO SELL.

IT WOULD DRIVE HIM UP A TREE

AND HE WOULD NEVER HELP US.

HE WOULD NEVER HELP US SELL

ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW HOW SOME PARENTS WILL

DRAG CANDY BARS TO WORK AND PUSH

'EM ON YOU?

HE WOULD ALWAYS SAY, "IT'S YOUR

SALE.

YOU CLOSE THE DEAL."

I'M SEVEN.

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS SEVEN, AND I WAS WORKIN'

THE NEIGHBORHOOD FOR MY FIRST

GIG.

I'M OUT SELLING CANDY BARS

FOR LITTLE LEAGUE, RIGHT?

AND I'M WORKING THE NEIGHBORHOOD

AND LIFE IS GOOD.

I GET HOME, AND HE'S SITTING

ON THE COUCH, JUST TWEAKIN'.

HE'S LIKE, "HOW DID IT GO?

HOW DID IT GO?

HOW MANY CANDY BARS DID YOU

SELL?

WAS EVERYBODY HOME, DID YOU

WRITE DOWN THE NOT-HOMES?

'CAUSE YOU CAN GO TO THE

NOT-HOMES TOMORROW."

NO.

I'M SEVEN.

"I WENT TO ALL THE HOUSES IN

THE NEIGHBORHOOD, DAD, EXCEPT

FOR THE HOUSES THAT SAID,

'NO SOLICITING.'

'CAUSE THE COACH SAID YOU'RE NOT

SUPPOSED TO GO THERE, 'CAUSE

THOSE PEOPLE DON'T WANT YOU."

HE FREAKED.

"YOU DIDN'T GO TO THE NO--

TOMORROW, YOU GO TO THE

NO SOLIC--

DO YOU KNOW WHY THOSE PEOPLE GOT

THOSE SIGNS UP?

THEY'LL BUY ANYTHING!

(LAUGHTER)

THEY DIDN'T EVEN WANT THOSE

SIGNS."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS 10 YEARS OLD AND MY SISTER

AND I ARE HAVING A CONTEST

TO SEE WHO COULD SELL THE MOST

CANDLES FOR CHURCH.

YOU KNOW THE TALL, CRYSTALLIZED

CANDLES WITH THE PICTURES OF

JESUS AND SANTA SHAKIN' HANDS?

OKAY.

SO, THERE'S CANDLE BOXES STACKED

ALL AROUND THE HOUSE AND MY DAD

HAS HAD IT.

HE'S LIKE "ARE YOU TWO MAKIN'

ANY MONEY ON THIS?"

AND WE'RE LIKE, "NO, WE'RE

SELLING 'EM FOR CHURCH, DAD."

AND HE SAYS, "YEAH, AND NOW,

YOU'RE GONNA LEARN SOMETHING.

TIME FOR THE KASHIAN GAME SHOW,

'MORAL COMPROMISE'."

HE SAYS, "OKAY, HOW MUCH YOU

SELLING 'EM FOR?"

WE SAY, "3.50 EACH."

HE SAYS, "NOW, YOU TWO ARE GONNA

SELL 'EM FOR 5."

AND THAT'S HOW WE LEARNED HOW TO

SKIM OFF THE TOP.

(LAUGHTER)

HE'S GOT ALL KINDS OF ADVICE,

YOU KNOW, HE'S GOT ALL KINDS

OF ADVICE ABOUT SHOW BIZ AND

HE SAYS, "IT'S JUST LIKE SALES.

YOU GOT TO MAKE YOUR

OPPORTUNITIES, YOU GOT TO TAKE

YOUR OPPORTUNITIES.

YOU REMEMBER WHAT JESUS SAID.

YOU GIVE A MAN A FISH, THAT MAN

KNOWS WHERE TO COME FOR FISH.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU TEACH A MAN TO FISH,

AND YOU'VE JUST DESTROYED YOUR

MARKET BASE.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?"

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