Mike Lawrence - Bald Heads

  • Season 2, Ep 4
  • 04/14/2011
  • Views: 13,472

When Mike Lawrence was 12 he walked in on his stepfather masturbating. The thing you must know about that is that his stepfather was bald. (4:08)

WHEN I WAS 12, I WALKED IN ONMY STEPFATHER MASTURBATING

(audience groans)AND...

THE THING YOU MUST KNOWABOUT THAT IS THAT HE'S BALD,

AND WHEN A BALD MANMASTURBATES,

IT'S LIKE HE'S CHOKINGA TINIER VERSION OF HIMSELF.

(laughter and applause)

THERE'S ONE PERSONI HATE MORE THAN ANYTHING

AND THAT'S MY DAD'SCUBAN FIANCéE CONSUELA.

WHO I ALWAYS REFER TO AS MYDAD'S CUBAN FIANCéE CONSUELA,

THAT'S WAY SHE'S MOREOF A CONCEPT,

NOT AN ACTUAL PERSON,HAS NO POWER OVER ME.

IT WORKS.BUT SHE DID THIS RECENTLY.

SHE TOLD ME MY DAD WASIN THE HOSPITAL VIA TEXT MESSAGE

AND THE ACTUAL TEXT READ,"BAD NEWS.

"DAD'S IN THE HOSP.HE'S GOT AN INF IN HIS FOOT.

THEY MIGHT HAVE TO AMP IT."

SHE AMPUTATEDTHE WORD "AMPUTATE."

(laughter)

NO ME GUSTA,CONSUELA.

NOW I'M SO TERRIFIEDI'M GONNA GET THE DEATH TEXT

ANY DAY NOW.

"BAD NEWS.DAD FELL ASLEEP.

"DIDN'T WAKE UP.MUST HAVE BEEN HIS PROS CANCE.

TEXT BACK TO MAKE FUNARRANGEMENTS."

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

I THINK IT WOULD SUCK TO DIE,

BUT I THINK IT WOULD BE WAYWORSE TO BE IMMORTAL.

'CAUSE THINK ABOUT IT,EVERY 50 OR 60 YEARS,

YOUR WIFE DIES AND YOU GETTO GET A NEW ONE

AND EACH ONE HAS MORE RIGHTSTHAN THE LAST ONE?

(laughter)

"HEY, HONEY,LET'S GO OUT AND VOTE."

DAMN IT, WOMAN,THAT USED TO BE MY ALONE TIME.

(laughter)

SPEAKING OF ALONE TIME,I'M A BIG COMIC BOOK FAN, AND...

(cheers and applause)

MY FAVORITE MOVIEIS "THE DARK KNIGHT,"

AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGUREOUT WHAT CHRISTIAN BALE'S

BATMAN VOICE SOUNDS LIKE TO MEBESIDES (bleep),

AND I FINALLY GOT IT.

HE SOUNDS LIKE A DRAG QUEENAT THE END OF THE NIGHT

WHO JUST DOESN'T CAREANYMORE.

(laughter)

"COME ON CHANTAL,LET'S JUST GO TO THIS CLUB

A FEW BLOCKS DOWN THE ROAD."

(deep gravelly voice)THESE HIGH HEELS...

(laughter)

ARE KILLI ME!

(laughter and applause)

I THINK IT'S REALLY FITTING

BECAUSE SUPERHEROES SOUNDEXACTLY LIKE DRAG QUEENS.

IT'S LIKE, "HEY,WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

IT'S NOT WHO I AM.IT'S WHAT I'VE BECOME.

(laughter)

FUN FACT--I WORKEDAT McDONALD'S FOR SEVEN YEARS.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU LOVE LIFE,LIFE LOVES YOU BACK.

(laughter)

I'D SAID I WAS GONNA BE THEREFOR A FEW MONTHS.

I ENDED UP BEING THEREFOR SEVEN YEARS.

SO IT REALLY WASMY VIETNAM.

(laughter and applause)

AND IF YOU'RE WONDERINGHOW I CAN COMPARE

WORKING AT McDONALD'STO VIETNAM

IT'S 'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T(bleep) THERE, MAN!

(laughter and applause)

BUT I WANT TO BELIEVE THE REASONI WAS THERE FOR SO LONG

IS BECAUSE I WAS MEANTO SOME OLD GYPSY WOMAN

IN THE DRIVE-THRUONE MORNING.

I WAS LIKE,MA'AM, ITS 10:35.

WE'RE NOT SELLINGEGG McMUFFINS ANYMORE.

AND SHE WAS LIKE,"OH, BUT I WANT ONE.

THEY ARE EVER SO DELICIOUS."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WE'RE NOTSELLING THEM ANYMORE."

AND THEN SHE GOT CRAZYAND VINDICTIVE AND WAS LIKE,

"FROM THIS DAY FORTH,

"YOU SHALL HAVE THE FACEOF A RAPIST

AND THE SELF-ESTEEMOF ONE OF HIS VICTIMS."

(laughter)

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