Reno Collier - Big Break

CC Presents: Reno Collier Season 9, Ep 6 03/03/2005 Views: 5,304

When it's dark out, Reno Collier drinks. (4:22)

Reno Collier: ALL RIGHT.

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME, MAN.

THANK YOU, HOLY CRAP.

YOU GUYS ARE CHEERING LIKE

I'M FAMOUS OR SOMETHING.

THAT'S AWESOME, MAN.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I AM

FAMOUS.

THEY COME UP TO ME IN

RESTAURANTS, THEY'RE ALWAYS

BUGGING ME, YOU KNOW LIKE,

"EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU NATALIE FROM

THE FACTS OF LIFE?"

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "NO.

I'M TOOTIE."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE FAMOUS.

I DID THIS SHOW LIKE THIS

AND THESE PRODUCERS CAME TO

WATCH MY SHOW.

I GOT DONE, THEY'RE LIKE,

"C'MERE FOR A MINUTE."

I WAS LIKE, "OH MAN, THIS IS MY

BIG BREAK."

THE GUY GOES, "ARE YOU DRUNK?"

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE, "DUH, IT'S DARK OUT,

DUMB ASS!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YA KNOW."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HE GOES, "YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA

BE FAMOUS BEING DRUNK ALL THE

TIME."

I WAS LIKE, "DAMN...

'CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA QUIT

DRINKIN'."

[LAUGHTER]

SO I STARTED THINKING INSTEAD OF

WORKING ON JUST BEING FAMOUS

I WAS GONNA DEVELOP ALL THE

OTHER CHARACTERISTICS THAT

FAMOUS PEOPLE HAVE SO I'D BE

READY RIGHT?

LIKE I'VE STARTED WORKING ON THE

ALCOHOL THING.

I'M GONNA CRASH MY CAR A COUPLE

TIMES AND...

[LAUGHTER]

I'M WORKING ON AN EATING

DISORDER I'M TRYING TO GET

GOING.

MY DAD WAS AT MY HOUSE ASLEEP

ON THE COUCH, I GRABBED HIS HAND

AND RUBBED IT ON MY WEENIE,

YA KNOW...

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH!

'CAUSE EVENTUALLY I'M GONNA

HAVE TO WRITE A BOOK, YA KNOW.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I LIKE SEEING FAMOUS PEOPLE

'CAUSE I'M FROM WEST VIRGINIA

ORIGINALLY.

>> SORRY.

Reno Collier: THANKS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT DON'T MATTER, YELL OUT

WHAT YOU WANT.

LAST TIME I WAS HERE, I WAS

ON STAGE I WAS LIKE "I'M FROM

WEST VIRGINIA."

THIS GUY IN THE CROWD GOES,

"YOU GUYS SCREW YOUR COUSINS!"

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE "I DON'T CARE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT GOOD LOOKING COUSINS,

YOU CAN KISS MY ASS."

NO DON'T DO THAT THOUGH,

FOR REAL.

YOU GET CROSS-EYED BABIES

AND THAT AIN'T FUNNY, MAN.

SERIOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I TRIED, I TRIED TO TAKE UP

FOR MY HOME STATE BUT IT,

MY MOM'S ALWAYS LIKE, "DON'T BE

MAKING FUN OF WEST VIRGINIA.

EVERYBODY MAKES FUN OF US,

YOU TAKE UP FOR US."

I WAS LIKE, "I WOULD, LOOK AT

OUR OWN DAMN FAMILY, YA KNOW."

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT ONE COUSIN HE'S BLIND

IN ONE EYE 'CAUSE HE TRIED TO

KILL HIMSELF WITH A SLINGSHOT.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU

GO ABOUT THAT, YA KNOW?

"YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE LISTENED

TO ME.

I'M IN A LOT OF PAIN.

YA KNOW WHAT, I'LL DO IT,

I DON'T EVEN CARE..."

[LAUGHTER]

HE SHOT THE THING OFF

IT COMPLETELY MISSED HIS HEAD.

HIS DAD CAME IN, SAW WHAT HE WAS

DOING THOUGHT HE WAS SO STUPID,

POKED HIS EYE OUT!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

STUPID ASS.

NOW HE HAS A BIG EYE PATCH

ON HIS FACE AND HE WANTED TO GO

FULL PIRATE RIGHT, SO HE GOT

HIS TONGUE PIERCED.

BUT THAT DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE,

HE'S LIKE 39 YEARS OLD, YA KNOW.

HE'S GOT CAVITIES IN HIS MOUTH.

HE CAN'T EVEN TALK EVERY TIME

THE ALUMINUM STUD TAPS A FILLING

HIS WHOLE HEAD GOES "AHHH GOD!"

THEN HIS HEAD SWELLED UP

REAL BIG, RIGHT, NOT LIKE HE WAS

COCKY BUT IT WAS ALL LUMPY.

NOBODY KNEW WHAT WAS WRONG

WITH HIM.

TURNS OUT HE'S ALLERGIC

TO COWS MILK.

NOW ALL HE'S ALLOWED TO DRINK

IS GOAT'S MILK.

I WAS LIKE, "MAN, THAT'S

DISGUSTING!"

YA KNOW WHAT HE SAID?

"DRINKING IT AIN'T HALF AS BAD

AS GETTING THE GRASS STAINS OUT

OF THE BACK OF HIS SHIRT

WHEN HE'S DONE."

[AUDIENCE MOANS]

I'D HATE TO THINK THAT'S WHY

HE PIERCED HIS TONGUE!

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S A HAPPY DAMN GOAT.

[GOAT NOISES]

SUCK IT.

SUCK IT!"

YOU DON'T KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T KNOW.