Mike Vecchione - Breaking the Ice

  • Season 15 , Ep 12
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 12,022

If you place your hand on a woman's breast, she has to tell you her name and favorite color. (2:29)

to you ladies.

That's the problem--It's really hard.

You're so intimidating--You're so pretty.

I'm looking at you,right now.

You're so prettyand intimidating.

How do youbreak the ice?

How do you break the iceand just start talking?

I don't know.

Does this work, ladies--Does this work?

Hand on breast--I don't say anything.

I'm not grabbing.

I just walk up and placemy hand on your breast.

Now, we havea situation.

Now, we ve todeal with it.

Now, tell meyour name, huh?

Now, what's yourfavorite color?

Now, tell me how your catsometimes acts like a dog, huh?

It's weird, 'cause hesometimes acts like a dog.

[audience laughing]

I know what youguys are thinking.

"Mike, what if she'sbreastfeeding?

"Will you smack the babyout of the way

"and then go for it--"That's ridiculous.

You're not gonna smacka baby out of the way,

if she's breastfeeding.

You just call shotgunon the open breast,

like a gentleman.

Okay, guys, yourhand is on her breast.

A couple of thingscould happen, right?

She could startmaking out with you.

That's hot--That's so hot.

[indistinct]

She could punch you inthe face or maybe taser you.

Maybe she pulled,like, the evil wizard

from the future thing,and she feels powerful now,

'cause she tasered you--That could happen.

The weirdest thingis if nothing happens.

If she just staresblankly back at you,

much like you guyshave been staring at me

during the tellingof this joke.

Just staring.

What do you do then, fellas--Have to kick it up a notch.

Know what I do?

Work the nipple,and I work it hard.

I work it aggressive, likeI'm trying to find a song

on my "IPOD--"That's how I do it.

I'm like, "circle, circle,pause, circle, circle,

"pause, choose,pause, choose."

[applause]

Wow!

What a great crowd!

You ladies areso pretty, though.

You're still gettin'plastic surgery done,

which I don't understand.

Anything is acceptablefor the ladies today.

You can dowhatever you want.

"I'm gonna get mybreasts enlarged.

"I'm gonna get 'emreduced.

"I'm gonna take somefat from my ass,

"inject it in my lips--"It's all good.

Guys can't do that.

I go in-- the doctor looksat me like I'm a freak.

I'm like, "look, I want youto take my testicles

"and put them on my back.

"Then, take the extraskin from my scrotum.

"pull it over my face,so I look like a ninja turtle.

"Can you do thatfor me, please?

"Yeah.

"Then, I would like for youto call me Donatello from now,

"'cause that'smy favorite turtle.

"That's myfavorite turtle."

[applause]

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