Erin Judge - Bad Dating Advice

Season 3, Ep 0304 06/09/2007 Views: 9,443

Making time to have sex with your man is not a way to drive him crazy. (2:54)

I grew up with a "cool mom."

Anybody here have a "cool mom"growing up, you know? Yeah.

(cheering)Like, my mom was the kind of mom

who showed me how to put thecondom on the banana, you know?

Which was good-- because mostof the bananas I've had sex with

had, like, no ideahow to do it themselves.


My dad had a differentapproach, though.

When I was nine years old,he sat he me down,

he was, like,"Erin, you ain't having sex

until somebody finds a curefor all the STD's."

I was, like, "Okay.

Could I have a chemistry set?"


The other kids would be, like,"You wanna play house?"

I'd be, like,"No, I want to play

double-blind clinical trial."


There's a lot of bad datingadvice in women's magazines.

I was looking at Cosmo.

It had this thing, it was, like,

(soft, sexy voice): "Ten Ways toDrive Your Man Crazy."


Number four was: "Make timeto have sex with your man."


Boys like sex?


You know a great wayto drive your man crazy?

Don't make time to have sex

with your man.

You know another way?

Once a week,take one of his socks,

throw it away.


Dear Cosmopolitan, I gotthis clock that ticks real loud,

and I hid itunder the floorboards.

It is slowly

driving my man crazy.


There was thisother thing in Cosmo,

it was, like, a weight-losscalculator, you know,

and I did the math,and it turns out that

if I start losingten pounds a month,

then I only haveabout a year to live.


And I don't haveto worry about it anymore,

'cause I'll be dead and skinny.

(laughter, scattered clapping)

No. I used to worryabout that stuff,

but now I accept what it isthat I look like,

you know, which is a supermodel.

(applause, whooping)

From 500 years ago.


Seriously, I've got, like,the red hair and the pale skin

and the... and the...

the hips.

Yeah, I'm basicallyyour whole circa-1508

hotty package up here.

So what I did was, I got ridof the scale in my bathroom

and replaced it with a giant...


(laughter, whooping)

I look good on my shell.