I grew up with a "cool mom."
Anybody here have a "cool mom"growing up, you know? Yeah.
(cheering)Like, my mom was the kind of mom
who showed me how to put thecondom on the banana, you know?
Which was good-- because mostof the bananas I've had sex with
had, like, no ideahow to do it themselves.
My dad had a differentapproach, though.
When I was nine years old,he sat he me down,
he was, like,"Erin, you ain't having sex
until somebody finds a curefor all the STD's."
I was, like, "Okay.
Could I have a chemistry set?"
The other kids would be, like,"You wanna play house?"
I'd be, like,"No, I want to play
double-blind clinical trial."
There's a lot of bad datingadvice in women's magazines.
I was looking at Cosmo.
It had this thing, it was, like,
(soft, sexy voice): "Ten Ways toDrive Your Man Crazy."
Number four was: "Make timeto have sex with your man."
Boys like sex?
You know a great wayto drive your man crazy?
Don't make time to have sex
with your man.
You know another way?
Once a week,take one of his socks,
throw it away.
Dear Cosmopolitan, I gotthis clock that ticks real loud,
and I hid itunder the floorboards.
It is slowly
driving my man crazy.
There was thisother thing in Cosmo,
it was, like, a weight-losscalculator, you know,
and I did the math,and it turns out that
if I start losingten pounds a month,
then I only haveabout a year to live.
And I don't haveto worry about it anymore,
'cause I'll be dead and skinny.
(laughter, scattered clapping)
No. I used to worryabout that stuff,
but now I accept what it isthat I look like,
you know, which is a supermodel.
From 500 years ago.
Seriously, I've got, like,the red hair and the pale skin
and the... and the...
Yeah, I'm basicallyyour whole circa-1508
hotty package up here.
So what I did was, I got ridof the scale in my bathroom
and replaced it with a giant...
I look good on my shell.